System Shutdown

I watch as my emotion is torn from my chest
Gone in the wind
Caught and whisked by a runaway train
I feel the numbness slowly consume me inside
Unwanted walls suddenly flourishing
It only takes one right shot
To knock out the lights
Blank soul
Dead spirit
Successfully drained the sting of pain
But neither does joy remain
Dipping my toes in icy river banks
Just to see if I can feel
What numbness seeks is numbness from the lack of its humanity
Droning on mechanically
Drawn by darkness to flirt with sin's ecstasy
I sent away my emotions but how I desire to feel
Yet I drive away from those whose hands could help me heal
I am green for your sorrow
I envy your grief
For what your heart can feel is life
Whether ache or love it speaks
Empty hallow abandoned mines
Dusty and hard are the walls inside
Vacancy not suggested
The boards damaged and unstable
No place for a King to reside
Dry are these bones
Wounded is this ground
Trust once lived here
Until time ripped it out
Standing alone
Crunchy the cold earth beneath my feet
Inside my chest I wish this heart would just beat
Uncontrollable and untamable weeds have me in their grip
Entangled in their confusion
I just sit

The Value of Mentorship

In the past year and some here in Arizona I have recently noticed how insanely blessed I have been to have met the people I have. Not only that, but to have been pursued by them. I found my church home in a small, but powerful community at Kineo church. The first few weeks were rough I'm not going to lie. I have a deep need to know the people around me within my church, and for a short amount of time it was hard to get there. I would say a lot of it was on my end. I was timid, a little shy, and left as soon as church let out. So as you can imagine I was meeting very many people. However, one Sunday afternoon Amy approached me (the pastor's wife). Over the summer she was wanting to start a small women's bible study and wanted me there. I don't know what led her to choose me, but she did and I couldn't be more grateful.

This past summer I've seen myself flourish and grow an insane amount, and I can tell you it wasn't solely because of myself. It wasn't my will power or my pursuit. It was literally out of being loved on by a woman who had no reason to love me, but did anyways. Literally a glimpse of the love Jesus gives us. Amy quickly became a mother to me. Not in a sense that she is much older than me, but because she was there for me in every motherly way I could imagine. From being a crying shoulder to a guiding hand she cared for me.

I had long forgotten that being strictly independent can be lonely and you don't get very far on your own. God created us to be in relationship with each other from the very beginning of time and creation. Genesis 1-3 speaks volumes of that. Without fail the bible tells us we need each other, and isolation is no good. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us that two are better than one, and a three strand cord is not easily broken. We need each other to help when we fall, to bring light where we cannot see ourselves, and to give us strength.

Once Amy opened the door to this community I have just had so many people come into my life willing and wanting to be my friend, leader, and mentor. I've been placed within a loving family. I've had many peers who challenge me and grow me, I've had people in different stages of life speak into me, and I've had a group of women who I am honest and transparent with. Friends, I cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels to be real and not have to maintain a wall or image. It's freeing to be genuine and honest. I've learned so much of grace, forgiveness, joy and just life in general. Life if so messy, and it's good to know I don't face it alone. James 5:16 stresses the importance of exposing our hearts to one another. We cannot heal properly without it.

So my encouragement is this. If you are living in a good community pursue it deeper. Surround yourself with all different types of people in different walks of life. You will learn so so much! If you are without community you have to seek it. Unfortunately small groups and leaders don't come knocking on your door to love you. You have to commit yourself to a place that is full of these people, and most times you have to find them yourself. It's not easy and sometimes it can be frustrating, but it's worth it. You're not going anywhere without it. And just pray. Pray a lot. It's so important that we are also in community with our Father and creator.

Pursue God. Love people. Live in community.

I don't know what gets better than that.

Vanity

Vanity
you've got a death grip
life slipping
hold upon me

I look into the mirror
and all that I see
red bumps, flaws
stretch marks and scars
blonde hair I wish was brunette
Images of what I should look like
I cannot forget

I see anything but beauty staring back at me
I see those legs
her hair
Creating a compilation of images
I cannot compare to

This confident and sassy demeanor
don't let it fool you
Loud and proud
what seems like strength and dignity

When really inside I am screaming
"HEY! Just for a second
 will you notice me?"

Am I enough for you
to peel your eyes off of your computer screen?

Hours of staring --
primping, curing
and perfecting
Yet still unsatisfied with the reflection
that is supposed to be me

Judging my value
by the size of my jeans
spending nights broken
because I don't feel worth desiring

But wait...
Something catches me

The eyes of a savior
gazing at me

Pulling me up out of the ocean
of my own fears and insecurities

Turning me towards the mirror
and breaking my 'what's supposed to be'
and He cries,
"Daughter, don't you know?
I already chose you --
you are enough for me."

My blood does not only cover your sin
but it saves you from lies
allow me to speak truth to you again.

You are mine beloved --
the holes in my hands are proof

No matter what this world may tell you
about your size, skin and desirability
Just remember that my hand were the ones
that designed your very being

Though you see all of these imperfect qualities
I see you through a flawless lens

I see a heart that I made true
Eyes deep as the sea
Feet that keep running
though the race become tiring

I see a masterpiece

So please daughter do not question my work
for my creation is my pride and joy

I made you out of my heart
and in my image
so when you doubt yourself
you are doubting a part of me

Wake up daughter,
You serve the King of Kings
and a Father whose love
is never ending.