Seeking Mentorship

"Stumble after me, as I stumble after Christ" -- Marty Caldwell

I'm learning so much lately that community is vital.

Though there are seasons for solitude, I believe that most of the time being alone is not only terribly miserable, but it's dangerous.

We cannot do life alone.

Lately I've been struggling with finding a mentor. I think there are a few reasons for this:
1. I don't have the courage to put myself out there and ask godly women I look up to, to mentor me
2. Mentoring is difficult, and it requires a lot of God given strength and not very many people are willing to take on something that costs them something.
3. People that are willing are fearful. Fearful that they are too big of a screw up, fearful they won't do it right, or fearful they can't do it.
4. I am prideful, and I start to get picky about who can mentor me.

At church we just finished up our Tapestry series. We ended with Generationalism, which basically summarizes our tendency to separate ourselves in the church based on our age instead of integrating ourselves with people in every season of life. This does two very terrible things for the church. It leaves the young wandering blindly, and the old kicking back and wasting away their wisdom that they have collected from their time here in this life.

We all desire to be poured into.
The young, and the old.

I watched as good friend of mine poured out her heart at our community group, breaking down in tears because she felt lost, and rejected and just wanted an older woman to pour into her life. And she wasn't the only one in the room. Many of us felt that way. My heart also ached for her, because the same weight is present in my heart.

I need wise eyes to look at my heart with me
I need words of experience to help guide me into the adventures of my own life, so I am not wandering aimlessly and hoping for the best
I need encouragement, counsel and accountability to help me grow
I need someone to point me to Christ when my eyes shift
I desire to drink of the wisdom, knowledge, experience that women older than me have to offer
And I am not alone
We all need this.
This is why community is vital.

God displays His desire for His people to commune with each other through many means in the bible. His first example being giving Eve to Adam, and my favorite example being the first church in Acts 2, as we watch a community of believers grow, and seek the Lord together. It is a natural longing to the human heart. We desire each other.

So these are my attempts to break free of this confusion and wandering, and my attempts to call forth leaders:

1. I need to grow a pair, and just stick myself out there; ready to be known, and ready to lay it all down. We as young people need to start asking for what we need, and making it loud because often times the older generation does not know our needs. Fear is not welcome in God's love so it's time to be courageous (1 John 4:18, Joshua 1:9). Not only that, but as someone who may not be that old I still have younger hearts around me that need to be poured into, so I need to start stepping up and discipling myself. I am called to disciple too!

2. Hey older generations you need to start stepping up your game, and don't be offended that you are called old. May it be an honor because there is a beauty and wisdom that comes in living a long life. If you are a Christian and you've got some life under your belt, you are called as a wiser generation to pour into those of us that are young. You don't have a choice. Yes it will be hard, and it takes a little work, but this isn't about you... it's about God's Kingdom, and God's glory. (Titus 2)

3. Those of you that fear you are not good enough let me remind you that we all fall short (Romans 3:23). We all sin. We all have crap in our lives, but that's what the gospel is about. It's a humility in knowing that we are not perfect, and cannot be, yet devoting our lives to the cause of Christ anyways and knowing He'll get us where we need to be. There is a beautiful thing called grace, and just because you mess up doesn't mean you can't lead. In fact I would argue that your mess ups are exactly what makes you good to lead (Romans 5:20). Let us learn from your mistakes! Let us have the wisdom you have received by messing up! In order to avoid making the same mistakes, we need to know your struggles too. If you are fearful that you can't do it, or you won't do it right I hope that you remember it is not you doing the work, it's God (Philippians 2:13). It's not up to you to do it right, but it is up to you to be faithful to His call and obedient to the Holy Spirit.

4. My walls of pride need to come tumbling down. The critical eye that I hold is unhealthy. If I am looking for someone that is "good enough" to mentor me, then I might as well call off the search now because I'm never going to find them. There is something to learn from everybody, and that is the beauty in diversity. I am learning that there is actually more to learn and grow from within the imperfections than the perfections. Also... wait a minute... who am I to say I deserve the best? Because what I truly deserve is far from the best. I'm just as bad as everyone else. I need to drink respectfully from the fountain of wisdom that is available instead of being prissy and picky about what fountain I'm drinking from.

When we start living in community these things come naturally, and we don't have to strive as much for them because we will already be sweetly muddled into each others lives. If you have a church that is multi-generational call yourself blessed, and start running with it. There is so much untapped potential waiting to explode. Love each other, care for each other, and lead each other.

I want to leave it on this,

Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

  Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

 There was a man all alone;
    he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
    “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
    a miserable business!

 Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. 

We are better together family. Lets start doing this life together.

Tapestry

So as of lately my church has been going through this amazing series called Tapestry. It's essentially a series based on our differences that can either divide us or unite us as the church.

We've talked about a slew of controversial topics that the modern day churches rarely touch on because the fear of losing their body members. We've covered things like race, sex, and will soon cover class, and generation.

As we've talked about it in church, in our community groups, and just in conversation hanging out with friends and church family, it has really got me thinking.

How beautiful is a church body that is immensely diverse? Not diversity for diversity's sake, but diverse because God made us all different and it's beautiful. We live in a culture that tells us to become cookie cutter shapes; that beauty only has one model and one definition, success has only one path and set of standards or goals, and that happiness can only be achieved if you are beautiful and successful. Then we sit here as a generation who cries about wanting to be unique, different, path-carvers, innovative, and noticed but yet we are striving to be the same. These are ugly lies that not only my generation and this world have bought into, but that the church has bought into as well. We as churches seek to make cookie cutter churches across the globe, and strive to be all the same when God intentionally made us different. All Christians must look the same, act the same, and smell the same. Otherwise you're not really a Christian and "who are you to think you know Jesus if you don't behave this way?"

We notice the most segregation in the church, because no matter who you are, you think YOU are right, and the way you do things is the right way to do things. That is in the assumption that there is only one way and one formula to doing things. That's why we have white churches, black churches, latino churches, hipster churches, young churches, old churches, plaid-shirt-wearing churches, baptist churches, pentecostal churches, and even non-denominational churches. I'm not saying there isn't a beauty in how you prefer to worship, and uniting with people that feel the same -- I'm just saying is this simply a worship issue? or is it a division issue? Then I also think about the day that we are all standing in heaven and we are all worshipping together... will we all not like the sound of heaven's worship to our King and prefer a different sound? Is worshipping God not just worshipping a worthy, mighty, all-consuming, beautiful and loving King with not just our music, but our actions, our words, our hearts, our minds, our bodies, and souls? If we are one body why do we stand divided?

I always go back to 1 Corinthians 12

"12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit."

This means not only are we one as a group of believers, but we are one as churches too. We ALL are the body of Christ. So instead of being critical about other churches, we need to change the lenses in which we see our brothers and sisters at different churches, and see them as a part of us -- not separate from us. We need to hold each other accountable, care for each other in our need, encourage one another, and truly just love each other no matter the difference. If we are too busy looking to criticize, and tear down other churches for things like how they worship, how they run a church service, or the kind of people that go there, we are going to miss what God has to show us through our differences.

Christ died to break down the walls that divide us. To me that means what makes us different is what makes us work as a body of Christ. Our different races, cultures, ages, genders, personalities, etc is what makes the body powerful and effective. It gives His hands the ability to work in so many ways. We often times try to rebuild these walls of division and I've seen that by doing this we are stunting the growth and the power of what the body is capable of. We find ourselves isolated and frustrated. We cannot do the work of Christ to it's fullest ability and its greatest potential  if the foot wants nothing to do with the hand (1 Corinthians 12:14-16). We are designed to be unique, and we are designed to be together. To love Christ best is to love His people... all of them. Not just the ones that are like you. Embracing and loving these differences can completely turn your world around in such a beautiful way.

One of my first encounters with the uniqueness and diversity of my own church was taking my first step into my community group for the first time. I was one of two white people in the room, and I honestly was looking for any way or excuse out of this situation as soon as possible. I don't know why, but at the time being in a group of diverse people scared me, and I didn't like the idea of it. My thoughts were, "Oh crap, I'm not going to fit in here.. this just is not my crowd of people." I was quickly slapped in the face by God, and he melted my heart for these people. I still go to that community group 4 months later, and I can't even begin to put into words the amount of love I hold for these people, and how much they have taught me. That goes to show the mighty work that God had to do even in my own heart to get me to a place where I saw diversity as a blessing not an inconvenience.

I am insanely blessed to be a part of the church body I've found a home in. Something so special about it is our immense diversity. We have so many different colors of skin, so many different ages, and personalities. Sometimes you walk in the room, and you have no idea what could possibly unite us as a people -- we are that different. The beauty about it, and the thing I love most about it is that the only thing we can point to is Christ. We have Christ in common. He is the only one that can take the credit, He is the only one that can put a body of believers together like the one we have. It's incredible.

I can not even begin to tell you how much I've learned, and how much I've grown just by living in a community full of diversity. I'm learning to love deeper, and my compassion and care for people is only skyrocketing. You begin to see the value of human life, and God's deep love for His people and His creation. It truly does open your eyes to so many different parts of who God is, and it has helped me to know Him more and love Him deeper as well. It is a magnificent Tapestry.

So may unity be something we strive for, and loving be something we do a little more.

I love my church. I love Redemption Alhambra.

Weighty Realities

I don't know about you, but my heart aches.

This past few weeks God has really been opening my eyes to so much of the brokenness that surrounds me.

I work as a waitress at a local Mexican restaurant here in Arizona, and as a waitress you see a lot of things. You see the sweet things like a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary, a daddy loving on his baby girl and the giggles that spill from the both of them. You see families join hand to pray before digging in to the mounds of Mexican food I just brought them.

You also see a lot of evil within people. The entitlement, selfishness, and bitterness people not only carry with them, but lash out on their waiters with as well. Recently I saw a very apparently abusive man verbally destroy his wife with me standing right there at the table. I saw him angrily lash out at his father in-law, and aggressively drag his little girl out to the car for 'punishment'. I worried about what happened behind closed doors.

I have seen and heard men talking about women as if they were not people, but objects. They laugh and giggle and drool over these pictures of half naked women and are so courageous as to even show me.

A homeless man walked up to me at Wal-Mart the other day asking politely if I could spare some cash because he was jobless, and needed a hotel for the night for him, his wife, and two kids. What jerked me to this broken reality was that the first thought that popped into my mind was, "Does this man really need cash for a hotel? Or is he just looking for his next high?". Deeply convicted by my quick judgement, I offered what little I had on me, and he looked at me with the most heart-checking, soul piercing stare that I will never forget -- words of gratefulness then poured from his lips as tears poured from his eyes.

I drove away crying myself.

I ran across an article today warning people not to flash their lights at cars who don't have their lights on, because it's now a gang initiation to then follow the car that flashed them, and kill the people within the car. So common courtesy and kindness is repaid with a violent death.

It's situations like these that make me feel so small in comparison to the massive amounts of hurt, brokenness and wickedness in this world. I feel helpless.

I am utterly overwhelmed with these fragmented, ugly and broken situations. My heart grieves, and hurts so much for these people and the great depth of the darkness and evil that this world contains. My heart breaks for these realities.

This is not the way it's supposed to be friends.

I wish so greatly that I could treat the brokenness of gang members who feel as if the answer is to kill the innocent. I wish so greatly that I could have offered a place to stay and food to eat for the man and his family who approached me at Wal-Mart. I wish so greatly for the renewal of men's hearts and minds as to see women as beautiful daughters, and brides to be cherished and handled gently. Not to be sexualized and abandoned. I wish so greatly to heal the hurts of the man that cause him to treat his family poorly, and to rescue his wife and children from that kind of harsh treatment. But I can't fix it.

I often times have no idea what to do when confronted with such brokenness. I don't know how to speak to it, and it's not my job to distribute justice. I get so frustrated at the immensity of the darkness that surrounds me, and the fact that I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know how to bring light to these situations, or bring hope to these situations. As a believer in Christ sometimes I feel completely lost as to what to do or say. I have the answer (IT'S JESUS IT REALLY FREAKING IS HIM!), but I know it's not the one a lot of this world wants.

The only thing that gets me through these days where the painful realities of the world I live in overwhelm me, is that it's not always going to be this way. My hope lies in a future of no more pain, no more suffering, and no more tears. My hope is in a place where Jesus is near, and His work of redemption and reconciliation is complete. I long for the day where I no longer have to fear, where I no longer have to grieve for these people, and where God's hand has met all need.

This friction I feel between the redemption of the cross and resurrection of Jesus, and the time that is yet to come of complete renewal of the earth, can be painful and weighty.

Today my heart is heavy because of it.

My hands are so eager to help, but they feel helpless.

I just want to love people, and to love them well.

I can only rely on the promises that God makes in His word. That justice will be seen, that my God is powerful, mighty, and capable of anything, that my God is good and His divine plan is for good, and that this is not the end. There is hope.

I have to rest in these things today otherwise this world would crush me.

Confessions of a Christian Hedonist

For those of you who know me you know that I listen to a lot of Matt Chandler... It may be a slight problem sometimes, but the man can speak some truth! Can I get an amen!?

I'm going to credit him for most of the ideas here. A lot of these thoughts are not my originals, but mostly just my thoughts on his thoughts on biblical truths. If that makes sense.

Anyhow listening to a plethora of Chandler's sermons, reading transcripts and doing some biblical research myself, I have seen a pattern. We are all hedonists.

What is hedonism?

It's essentially the pursuit of highest pleasure for ourselves.

We do it from day one. Babies at 2am, 4am, 6am, demand to be fed, changed, entertained, soothed, cuddled etc. and not much changes as we grow. We seek friendships, relationships, entertainment, food, drink, to be soothed and cuddled etc. for our own pleasure. We continue to seek bigger and better to fill our lives.

So then what is the Christian Hedonist?

It is the pursuit of the highest pleasure for ourselves -- the ultimate pleasure, and the only soul fulfilling, life giving, loving, joyful, satisfying pleasure that exists -- Jesus Christ, and the life that He calls us to.

I feel like a lot of churches have it backwards. They tell you that you can't have a good marriage, or be a good mother/father, or live a 'happy' life without God. That's far from the truth just look around you. I know many people myself who have amazing marriages, are great mothers and fathers, and are in general means happy that have no affiliation with Christ nor the church. On the contrary I have also seen Christians who were in very toxic marriages and relationships. We can have the pleasures of this life and still enjoy them without Christ. What God made as good is still good. Yes sin has warped and perverted it, but there is still good to be found from its design.

However these things will not fulfill our soul. They are meaningless. Without Christ they are fleeting pleasures. They feel good in the moment and maybe a little while after, but that moment fades and you're off to seek your next pleasure. As humans we come with and built-in space that is designed only for God to be able to fill. It is the space of complete and lasting satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy that only can be found in Christ.

I like to explain it as a puzzle piece. There is only one piece that will fit in the spot that you are trying to fill. You can force, and press, and wiggle other pieces to stay there, but it is going to look out of place, it will be a little uncomfortable, and ultimately it doesn't belong there. So you will remove that piece and try another, but unless you have the piece that is necessary to go there the picture will never feel/look complete.

I'm not going to lie to you. I have tried many puzzle pieces, and I'm not going to tell you that they weren't fun. I tried partying, alcohol, drugs, and sex; I have tried relationships, meaningful friendships, and being a 'good girl'. They are lots of fun, and very satisfying in the moment. However, that satisfaction is so fleeting. There one minute and gone the next. That is why it becomes a life style pursuing these things -- bigger, better, and in greater quantities -- because satisfaction was met, but not completely nor permanently.

This is the wonder and beauty of Jesus Christ. While we can still enjoy life without him we will never see the fullness of what life is to be without Him. We can enjoy that juicy steak, and that fresh glass of a robust merlot. But with God we can see the creative aspects that were put into place to make the steak what it is, and enjoy the warmth of the wine at its fullest. We can then see that these things are good gifts from an amazing creator that loves seeing those he loves enjoy life to the fullest. These things are holy and good things given by a holy and good God. We then are in a trance of gratefulness, and awe. And if you read my previous blog these things promote lasting joy! To enjoy things like marriage, parenthood, friendships, food, drink etc. to the fullest as they were created to be enjoyed we have to have Christ. Christ is the pinnacle of fulfillment and satisfaction, and enjoying this life is what overflows from that. Within Christ there is a new-found appreciation, joy, and overall goodness to life. Without Him the pleasures of this life are meaningless.

King Solomon (the wisest man this planet will ever see) is the biblical example of this in Ecclesiastes, and in 1 Kings.

This is Christian Hedonism.

Seeking Christ as the only permanent filling to the God sized hole in our life. A hole that nothing else will fill or satisfy.

Christ is the ultimate pleasure.

P.S. Here are links to some sermons that probably explain this concept a lot better than I do!

http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-to-explain-christian-hedonism-over-lunch

http://www.thevillagechurch.net/resources/sermons/#series-sort_ecclesiastes : The Sixth Sense/Quenched

Cultivating Joy

Needless to say the past year of my life has brought so many ups and downs that I'm beginning to feel nauseous. This roller coaster is exhausting.

I always feel as if I have been residing in the downs more often than the ups. When I feel as if my season of walking through the valley is over, and I can see the light, I am met with another another valley.

I'm beginning to realize that this is just what life looks like. If I am to fear these valleys or let the anxiety, pain, and frustration of having to walk through them overtake me, then I have no hope for this life to be one full of beauty. What I am also beginning to see is that the more valleys I face, the easier they are to walk through. Once you have seen God walk you through one, you still know the next one is going to be equally if not more difficult, but you know that you're going to be okay.

Marty Caldwell (Global Director of Young Life) recently came to my current sweet home state of Arizona, and spoke at a leadership meeting that I attended. His words were utterly inspiring to me in my current state of inner turmoil. He spoke on cultivating gratefulness.

He painted a picture of a man he met overseas. This man barely had anything. Marty spoke of stepping into his small one room hut for a home, not much bigger than a bedroom on a home we would have here in the states. There was a window, a small table, and a lightbulb hanging by a string from the ceiling to light up the small space. Yet this man bubbled over with radiant joy. As he walked Marty through his small hut he envisioned all of the great things God was going to do in this hut. "And in this corner, I will stand and preach the gospel to the men! In this corner on this table will be water for the men to drink!" He was most literally so excited about the small amount that he had that he overflowed with joy. He was grateful for all that he had -- even though all he had were the shoes on his feet, and a small hut with a dirt floor.

Marty said with tears in his eyes,

"When we cultivate gratitude for all that God has given us, even though it may just be the breath in our lungs, we will live lives radiant of hope and joy. When you are grateful there is no choice but to be joyful."

What I have learned in this life is that entitlement is what breeds ungratefulness. When we believe we deserve something we do not have then we live lives that are angry, bitter, resentful, and lacking of joy. The harsh reality is that we don't deserve anything, and we owe everything. It is only by the grace of God that we have the very breath in our lungs. So we have everything to be grateful for.

Christian joy is a very foreign thing to our world, because it is not of this world. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, and it is a heavenly fruit. It is not normal to have hope in the wreckages of life. It is not normal when you have lost all things you love and care about, to have joy. It is not normal to have nothing, but be grateful for everything.

But that's the beauty of it all. A life with Christ is counterintuitive to what is 'normal'.

How is it then that we cultivate joy?

Something I heard from a very wise woman named Amy Sherman, was this: in order to be grateful, we have to rename our possessions as not 'ours' but as 'God's'. When we realize all that we possess, are actually God's possessions they stop ruling our lives as our gods, and God has the opportunity to be our God. When we finally put on these lenses to see that what we have is not truly by the work of our hands, but given by the grace of a good God, gratefulness begins to grow. When we put on an eternal lens that seeks first the Kingdom, and shy away from the blinders that trap us in our temporary situations, we are able to live lives of freedom and joy.

This is not to say that we will not experience a great deal of pain and suffering in our lifetime, or that our pain and suffering should be minimized. That is far from the truth, and pain will always demand to be felt. The realities of the broken world that we live in means that we will actually experience great deals of disappointment, pain, suffering, and brokenness throughout our lives. That is where I hope that all of you that are reading, have a place and a community where people will walk you through these seasons. We must also not forget that no matter how far God may feel that He is insanely near, and we are never alone in our trials and tribulations.

We live in a time where Jesus has come and saved us from our sin, sealing us for eternal life. He is a redeemer, and is more than capable of restoring our lives. However, we also live in a time where we eagerly await the complete restoration and perfection that is to come when Christ returns again. Therefore we live in a weird in-between of life where we feel the friction of wanting what is perfect, but it has not yet come.

We can root our hope here. That this is not forever. We still feel the pains and aches of brokenness, but this is not how the story ends. Our hope is not in the success and perfection of our current lives, but the life that is to come. That the earth again will be a place of harmony, unity, and peace -- just as God intended it to be when he created it, good.

When we root our hope in a beautiful eternity, and we grow the seeds of gratefulness to a God that is madly in love with us -- we begin the feel the restless bubbling of joy from the core of our being. It is a joy that never wavers, a joy that cannot be squelched by pain, a joy that is supernatural and unlike this world has seen. We cannot help but radiate joy when we find fulfillment in the God whose very breath he breathed into our lungs.

Sin's Poetry

Mmmm. 

Isn’t it enticing?

This platter before me

It spills with my utmost desires

anything I could dream

where all I can see is me

and it’s appetizing

glory and pleasure instantly

drawing me sweetly

seductively it lures me

oh just a taste

"all for you” 

and I lean closer

may no one else stand in the way

hanging over, mouth watering

before I know it my teeth sink in

chewing viciously

so delectable and satisfying

growing the monster

of insatiable craving

then the bomb hits

there is a pounding in my chest

as I feel the toxicity of my indulgences

seeping deeply within

making living waters murky

darkening the meadows

and hardening the bed

where The Lamb lays His head

embedding its deadly roots

choking out beauty

and caging the curse in

Sin’s appetite will not relent

though poison

I seek it again

frantically chasing, running and racing

to feel full again

though I eat and I eat

the more hollow I feel

till weak and frail 

I crawl back again

and again

and again

But there is nothing left within

but vast spaces of destruction

stale silence, abandoned shadows

loneliness whispering its lullaby in the wind

face plastered to the ground

desperation released in deep groans

this empire I’ve built is jaded

it’s streets are filled with thieves

my adulturous heart

has betrayed thee with a kiss

no Judas could not come close to  this 

12 pieces?

I traded you for less

your prodigal daughter

thrown at your feet

Please Lord have mercy on me

crush these bones

where death and darkness abide

may I lay this broken life before you

And may love still remain in your eyes

Oh so gentle you are

blood wiping this dingy bride clean

embracing me tightly 

until this writhing body stops

and concedes

to your compassion

grace burning hot beneath my skin

why? I cry

Did it take so long to let you back in

but wait

You celebrate this?

my pain then melts to peace

and my blinded eyes now see

that my savior is not an actor

but an author and rapper

spitting rhymes flows and melodies

to pull me in a little faster

taking my trash and turning it to His treasure

saturating me in the beats of heart

and waking me to his wonder

oh Jesus

Your goodness watching over me

putting death to sin’s poetry

Means of Forgiveness

This weekend has probably been the most life changing weekend I've had in a while... if ever.

I got a wonderful opportunity to participate in an event called The Gospel Encounter. To break it down simply it's a 12 hour day jam-packed with the gospel. The gospel is broken down in 5 parts: Creation, The Fall/Repentance, Forgiveness, The Cross, and The Resurrection. Each of these sets are taught by amazing, wise, and bold leaders from our church, and we are given a chance to apply and respond to the gospel.

While I have heard the gospel many times, and I could recite it to you -- I devote my life to the gospel -- I have never had it given to me quite like this. I can tell you I have never cried that many tears in such a short time. I felt like I was undergoing open-heart surgery. God was really not afraid to stick His hands in my heart and get elbow deep -- getting rid of the ugly (ouch) and filling it with Him. It was a shattering of myself. I was able to take my very very broken heart to Jesus and He carefully began the rebuilding process.

Something specific that punched me in the face was our forgiveness portion of the day.

The past few months I have been in a season of self-examination. I have been searching myself for my unseen sin, and seeking God to fill the emptiness within me that I've managed accumulate. I went through loads of repentance over multiple sins -- yet I still seemed to be hitting a wall with God. There was something holding me back and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then my Pastor's beautiful wife took the podium; between that woman's words and the Holy Spirit I was wrecked. By the grace of God alone my eyes were opened to the unreal amount of unforgiveness that I had been harboring in my heart.

This is the reality of forgiveness:

Forgiveness is NECESSARY for us. Without God's forgiveness we are dead. Without forgiveness for each other we don't have God's forgiveness.

"Forgive our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors... For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" - Matthew 6:12

Essentially Jesus is saying, "I'm going to forgive you the same way you forgive the people around you."

*Slap* (That's the bible hitting me in the face)

Straight up friends, if Jesus is forgiving my sins the way I've been forgiving people -- My sins are only kind of forgiven and they linger around in the background to be brought up when I do something wrong or hurtful. YIKES.

We are so quick to take forgiveness but so unwilling to give it ourselves. Just take a look at Matthew 18:21-35. That's in the bible for a reason.

The crazy part is I had no idea I struggled with this.

The way Dana put it was this "When we bear unforgiveness we are putting up walls, and we end up boxed in wondering why our relationship with the Lord has come to a halt."

My relationship with the Lord did come to a halt, and at first I was angry that forgiveness was what I had to give in order to break these walls. Not only was it relatively simple, but it was something I did not want to do. For a very long time I saw forgiveness as a means of "letting them off the hook". If I forgave, then they would never learn from the damage they caused me or they would see how they sinned against me as okay. That is far from the truth friends. Forgiveness is sucking the poison out of yourself, and trusting God that He will handle the situation. Unforgiveness hurts no one but yourself.

We cannot forgive on our own. As people we want to see justice, and revenge by on our own terms. We will take our wounds, and try to wound others with them. Forgiveness is a gift and power of the Holy Spirit, and we can not rely on ourselves to do this. Without the Holy Spirit forgiveness is difficult and pretty much impossible.

If I break it down it goes like this:

Only God can forgive sins (Genesis 50:17-22), as the Son of God, Jesus had the authority to forgive sins (Mark 2:1-12), and in John 20:21-23 Jesus gives us the power to forgive sins. As believers we have the power to forgive sins or to withhold forgiveness -- however Jesus did not give us that power so that we may withhold it, but give it generously.

"Forgive and forget" -- can I tell you how much a hate that tag line? The truth is friends within forgiveness we may not forget, and we may know it for a long time. The pain that was caused to us may hurt well after we forgive, but although I hate that tag line... forgiveness does lead to forgetting. When we finally let go of our unforgiveness we can finally allow it to be a part of our past instead of continuing to put it in our present. The best way I can describe this is as if someone handed you a burning hot coal. You have two choices: you can either hang on to it and allow it to continue to burn you, or you can let it go and tend to the burn you already received.

Forgiveness is a choice, and it is often difficult. It is agreeing to live with the consequences of someone else's sin. Jesus calls us to forgive, so we are called to do this. At first I didn't agree that this was okay, but when you look at Jesus who bore the consequences of my sin -- and did so willingly -- I cannot allow myself to think I am better than Jesus and deny someone else of this. We are given grace first, so God calls us to be gracious. We cannot expect to be the sole receiver of  the miraculous and beautiful gifts of God. We cannot say that we are better than anyone else because we cannot earn our worth, our value, our credibility, or our worthiness. If we could we would all utterly fail. It is only God that has given us these things.

We can forgive by accepting that what was done to us was in fact painful. We need to accept the hurt, and the hate that comes with being sinned against, but not as to dwell or wallow in it (we cannot make our suffering bigger than the cross). Accept that what was done to you was wrong. Forgiveness includes bearing the burden of another's offense and choosing not to use it against them. And forgiveness does not always come with immediate relief, joy, or a "feeling"-- and we cannot wait for those things to forgive otherwise we may be stuck for a while. It is of a greater call that we make the choice to forgive, and trust that God meant what He said: "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -- Romans 8:28. By forgiving we can move forward in God's beautiful plan for our lives, and not remain in the tangles and stagnancy of unforgiveness that prevents our steps.

I promise you friends that forgiveness is freeing. It's finally breaking out of the cage thats door has been open this whole time. It draws us closer the heart of God, and breathes new life into our lungs. I feel as if I can love freely, and experience love much more deeply now that I have let loose my unforgiveness. It breaks loose an ugly and hard shell upon our hearts, and releases the deep aching and groaning from our bones.

I pray that we all become good forgivers, and passionate lovers.