This Unfaithful Bride

"Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;

I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;

she will look and not find them.

I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals;

she decked herself with rings and jewelry,

and went after her lovers

but me she forgot," declares the Lord

"There fore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.

There I will giver her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope."

--Hosea 2:6-7, 13-15

I'm learning through my own testimony, and through the testimonies of others this: the Lord will do whatever he must to get us to a place where HE is the pinnacle of our worship and affections. 

I've said this before, but the past year or so has been hands down one of the hardest years I've ever been through. I have been stripped head to toe. At the moments where I thought there couldn't possibly be anything left to take, nothing left to lose, and no deeper pain I could suffer -- I found that I was very wrong.

The idols in my life were/are great and many. My intelligence, my purity, my desirability, and my beauty defined me. I was rooted in selfishness. I sought deeply for satisfaction in things that were just things, and in people that were utterly sinful. This brought great disappointment to my quest for wholeness. I praised God with my mouth, but rarely with my actions. I professed biblical truth, but lacked its application to my heart. I pointed to God for self-glorification.

Like Israel in the book of Hosea, I did not use times of prosperity to shout praise to the mighty and good God I serve, but rather to bathe in my own moral decay. Like Gomer I was chosen by a loving and faithful husband, but I chose to be an adulterous and unfaithful bride.

"Do not rejoice, Israel;

    do not be jubilant like the other nations.

For you have been unfaithful to your God;

    you love the wages of a prostitute

    at every threshing floor."

-- Hosea 9:1

I loved the wages of my promiscuity. Ouch.

The only way the Lord could open my eyes and lead me away from this was by leading me into loss, brokenness and confusion. He had to take away everything I was holding onto, and could hold onto, so that I could learn to trust in His control. I had to learn that even if __________, (you fill in the blank) God is enough, and I will be okay. (Rom. 8:28, Phil. 3:7)

So God stripped me. He stripped me of stability. He stripped me of security. He stripped me of friends and family (momentarily). He stripped me of false identity. He stripped me of anything and everything until all I had left was Him. And when I lie there naked and vulnerable, he picked me up and comforted me. He covered me and clothed me. He tended gently to the scrapes and bruises that I acquired while thrashing around in my reluctancy. He washed this dingy bride and made her clean. He loved me deeply.

What the Lord had to do to me was lead me into the wilderness. A very dry, desolate, and seemingly hopeless, wilderness. There when I was thirsty, weak, and desperate he finally spoke, and allured me. He ushered me near to his heart again; a place where I belonged yet had forgotten. When I was finally home he quenched my thirst, and restored my hope. There I saw His goodness, and there I saw the smallness of the idols I was worshipping in comparison the greatness my King.

“In that day,” declares the Lord,
    “you will call me ‘my husband’;
    you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’
I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
    no longer will their names be invoked."

-- Hosea 2:16-17

In order to destroy my idols God had to remove me, and remind me that His love is warm and sweet like a husband's love; that I am to love Him with a greater love than the obligatory and cold service you would show a master. This love, tender and caring, He showed to me first so that I might know it and share it.

Looking back -- the pain fresh and memorable as ever -- is pain I would endure and experience again in a heartbeat if I knew that it took me to where I am now. The Lord has brought me to a place where I am utterly smitten with Him. A place where my eyes are not tempted to gaze anywhere else but at his beauty, splendor, and glory. As David would say, I am grateful for the bones He crushed to get me here, because they have brought me joy and gladness (Psalm 51:8).

Thank God for His faithfulness despite my unfaithfulness, and His pursuit of me when I run. Thank God for His grace that covers the ugliest and most sinful parts of me, and for the love that never fails, and never gives up on me.

The Babbling Testimony

IIt's just one of those nights where I can't sleep because I have so much on my mind.

God is doing some amazing things, and it's been awakening my heart from a long season of slumber.

Tonight in my Redemption Community group we talked about what God's grace means for the way we live. We talked about how grace permeates our lives, and changes everything. It's definitely been at a deep work in my life.

Some days I get in a mindset where I don't see myself growing and I get frustrated. However if I just look back a few months from even today I feel as if I am a completely different person. God has changed my heart in so many ways. My life is a continual testimony of God's life changing grace and love. God's righteousness, holiness, and greatness  is just to potent to leave my life unchanged.

For most of my life I have been insanely inward focused; looking solely at myself and fostering a selfish heart. In the past few months, thanks to God's grace, I've slowly seen my heart take it's eyes off of self and fix my eyes on Jesus instead. My eagerness and desire to serve has grown vastly. Where serving the church and the people around me used to be done mostly out of obligation and duty -- I have seen it become so much more. It has become a great joy of mine to not only serve the need, but look for the need. There is no way I could have changed my attitude on my own. I blame God for giving me a deep and aching love for the people around me, both in my church and outside of it.

I have now begun to carry a new confidence. Not so that I may boast in myself, but my eyes have been open to who God is -- and He chose ME. Why? I have no idea. But I can stand firm in the fact that I belong to a divine creator. That He came down for me. I find my value and my worth in Him... so it is unshakeable, because my God is unchanging, everlasting, and infinite. When in the past I may have struggled looking in the mirror, or seeing myself as a desirable or beautiful soul -- now even on my worst days I know to whom I belong. He is my God and I am His person. I've watched as God has taken this head knowledge and turned it into heart knowledge.

I'm learning that God is enough. That no matter what I go through. No matter how little or how much I have. God is enough. No matter what crappy circumstance is thrown my way. He is enough so I don't have to keep seeking such little things to satisfy me or idolize, and I can seat Him properly on the throne of my heart. Learning to worship the Creator, not the created. Not only is He enough, but I'm going to be okay. He works all things for good.

God is developing in me a new found curiosity and love for Him. I have so much to be thankful for.

The best part is the community He has given me, and the love that He has given me for them. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people. They are genuine, kind, loving, strong, smart, passionate people. My heart is often overwhelmed by the amount of love that God has given me for them. I often times have a hard time holding it together on Sunday mornings, and Wednesday nights when I am completely surrounded by the people I love most. My framily (closer than friends, deeper than family). My heart feels like it could explode, so I just cry about it. Literally. I have no idea where I would be about these people. I have never been so cared for physically, emotionally and spiritually by a body of people like I am now. They live out the bible, and that's my favorite part. Christ's genuine love is apparent at Redemption Alhambra. I love my church. I love Christ's bride.

Looking back, and seeing myself now... I feel like I don't even recognize myself. But I hope more than anything that it's not just the words of my testimony that are changing into something new, and something glorious for God. I hope it shows. May my actions be more so the evidence to my growing testimony of Christ's work in my life.

God is softening up this old stone for a heart, and breaking down some serious walls. He is healing, and He is filling. It's the most beautiful season I have ever been through, and it's the most difficult season to put into words -- thus my babble for the past several paragraphs.

I cannot say I have arrived. I don't ever think I'll be able to say that. I am constantly humbled by it.

There is still massive amounts of work that Christ has to do on my heart, and the process will be endless. My natural sinfulness will always break me, dirty me up, and wound me -- but I am free. It's the beautiful story of grace that covers me. That continually makes me a new creation. That continually puts my flesh to death. It's Christ that lives within me, and I can feel Him so near. Within my very chest.

"His holiness demands that He remain separated from sin, but His compassion implores Him to make a way."

Like David

David and I

We think alike.

His workings and mine 

We think and act along the same lines

Our hearts nastily adulteress

Our seasons blind and foolish

Our friends do we owe deep gratitude

For calling the darkness of our hearts to light

And endlessly indebted to The Lord

For showing his mercy and kindness

And callusing our knees in repentance

O but the psalmist

Brought quickly to awe and reverence

By acquainting one's soul with smallness

Compared to The Creators sneak peak of glory 

With the masterpiece that is around us

Thunder rumbles in our chest

Yet groanings and pain plagues us

Heartache

And heartbreak

To we feel every crack and crevice

Exposed and vulnerable to the wounds of our flesh

Unable to hide under a hard exterior

Or numbness

But trusting deeply O Lord

In your goodness

And faithfulness

So we worship

With our tongues do we confess

With our lips we sing of your greatness

Our hearts postured to surrender

To lay everything down

At the feet of His who's name is renown

Heaven be our hope

Identity secure 

Though our hearts waver

May they never wander far

From our Shepard who rescues us

Crushing our bones to mend us

Stirred Affections

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
    I will lead her into the wilderness
    and speak tenderly to her." -- Hosea 2:14

There is a fight for my affections.
I feel it... constantly.

School, work, tv, books, billboards, and magazines
People. So many people.
All of them inconspicuously begging and pleading to be worshiped;
praised, adored, and glorified.
They promise happiness and satisfaction.
Seeking my devotion
and I am so easily seduced
falling victim of empty promises

I can feel my footsteps wander away
and my eyes distracted
to temporary gratifications that fade
while my appetency grows
the more I consume the larger the void
a black hole consuming my life
I run and I run
until my soul feels parched
and my heart feels dry
the dead end of this road has me spinning

Oh Baal, you leave me aching.

“In that day,” declares the Lord,
    “you will call me ‘my husband’;
    you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’
I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
    no longer will their names be invoked." -- Hosea 2:16-17

But I hear my creator call
Pursuing me through the desert, and the wasteland
Searching for me
Stretching, straining, reaching

Hopeless I scream
"Come quick!"

And He finds me
coaxing my heart out of its dark and dusty corners
gently rubbing salve on its self-inflicted wounds
swooping me up and embracing me
He isn't angry

From bondage he breaks me
And He takes me

"Bow and sword and battle
    I will abolish from the land,
    so that all may lie down in safety.
 I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in[e] righteousness and justice,
    in[f] love and compassion.
 I will betroth you in[g] faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord." -- Hosea 2:18-20

His name like water on my lips
Restoring life to these dead bones
With ease
Next to Him I feel whole

He loves this unfaithful soul

"You are mine"
He whispers to this broken identity

"I will plant her for myself in the land;
    I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.[i]’
I will say to those called ‘Not my people,[j]’ ‘You are my people’;
    and they will say, ‘You are my God.’” -- Hosea 2:23

Joyfully betrothed to my loving groom
my affections no longer misplaced
This bride knows what to do
to the man who was her saving grace

Eyes of adoration follow his every move
melting in to his majesty and splendor
with nothing to lose and everything to gain
giving Him all in a sweet surrender

Consuming, unquenchable love
Time stops when our eyes meet
Just a touch makes me weak

Thoughts racing I can't sleep
With joy I radiate and overflow
Your grace far too overwhelming
Though wicked and mangled
You envelop me

Undeserving
You changed me
Disaffected
You made me

Praise spills from my mouth
and gratitude fills my lungs

Sweet Jesus,
I am yours
and you are mine

Revival

I feel uneasy.

But it's not a in a bad way at all.

It's a weight. It's a yearning. It's a growth. It's a working. It's an awakening. It's the feeling as if my chest is too small for what is inside.

I am uneasy because I see the Lord working in ways I have never seen Him work before, and I don't know where it leads.

It's the thrill and the fear of what the unknown brings.

The Spirit inside of me almost feels too much, but I stay perfectly still because I don't want Him to leave. I want Him to have all of me.

My spirit will not settle because it feels the Lord moving.

Something beautiful is happening and I can't put my finger on it.

God is up to something.

It's big.
I know it.

I'm ready for it.

Can you feel it?

Beautiful Community

I know I talk about this a lot, but I really cannot emphasize enough how important being in community is.

A good question to ask would be, what does being in community mean and look like anyways?

To me the answer has been this: Getting elbow deep in the mess of people, letting them get elbow deep in your mess, and loving each other all the way through it.

It means being vulnerable, and tenderly embracing instead of condemning. It means joyfully meeting needs when you can meet them, and humbly having needs met when you are the needy. It is many nights of laughter, many nights of tears, and a bunch of weak people coming together underneath a very strong God. It is being able to be hurt, and forgiving when you do get hurt. It is acknowledging that you cause hurt, and aching for doing such things -- then proceeding to humble yourself and ask forgiveness of your own. It is giving grace when it is undeserved, and answering a call at 2AM even though you are tired.

I have never been so blessed in my life to be surrounded by the community I have been for the past 6 months of my life at Redemption Alhambra. I have never been a part of such a raw, transparent and real community. I have never felt like Jesus was so tangible than in the arms of my deeply loving brothers and sisters. I have never been so accepted despite the ugliest parts of me, and never so loved in my darkest moments. These people genuinely love. They never cease to amaze me in how far they will go, and how much they will do to let me know I am taken care of, I am wanted, and I am protected. And I don't know what is a greater picture of the gospel than that right there.

Sometimes it makes me feel inadequate, but in the most beautiful way. I want so desperately to love the way these people love, and sometimes it feels impossible because the love is so great and overwhelming. I hope and pray I can be even half of the friend to them as they are to me.

Recently reading I came across this:

“After kneeling down to the ground to wash the disciples’ feet, Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

If you want Jesus to look important, powerful, attractive, and worthy in your life, love your friends well. Lay down your life for them the way Jesus laid down his for you. Joyful, selfless sacrifice stands out in this world, and it’s one of the most dramatic, most persuasive ways to commend Christ and his good news to others.” -- Good: The Joy of Christian Manhood and Womanhood

Let me tell you friends, I have never seen Jesus as more important, more powerful, more attractive, and more worthy in my own life than in the way my friends love me, and I can only hope and pray that others see it too. They love me well, I do my very best (by the grace of Jesus) to love them well, and I just want the whole world to see it because THIS is the love Jesus was talking about. I have never felt it so wholly than I do in my life now. This love glorifies God. This love is of God, and I could not be more grateful for it. This love is enough.

Friends that are reading this I want you to know that I love you, and that you have touched my heart and blessed me way more than you could possibly know. I am so grateful for you.

"And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved." -- Acts 2:44-47

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken."     -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Stepping Into Womanhood

I am currently walking into a brand new season of self discovery.

I feel as if we go through these seasons multiple times throughout our entire lives, but definitely more frequently so from late high school all the way through your 20's.

Mine, specifically this time, is carrying the weight of a need for maturity.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." -- 1 Corinthians 13:11

It's time to grow up.

It's time to start stepping into womanhood.

My mind as of lately has been flooded with questions:

What does it even mean to be a woman?

What is my role as a woman biblically?

What characteristics does a godly woman possess?

What is my value and my worth according to God?

If I am to get married, what am I looking for in a godly man?

What characteristics does a godly man possess?

What is the role of a man biblically?

If I am to live life as a single well,

How do I use my femininity, and my womanhood to its fullest potential? 

How do I serve God well as a woman?

What is my place in the church?

Women are a creation of the Lord different from men, yet not less than men, and they compliment men. Women are uniquely created with different gifts, strengths, roles, and ways of reflecting God, and I'm trying to figure all of that out.

My childish ways have never been more evident to me in my entire life. The way I get upset when I don't get what I want, the ways I seek to receive attention, the ways I manage conflict and communicate, etc. It has given me that "oh crap, there is a lot of work to be done here" kind of gut-check. I have a lot of growing up to do.

Although this season is weighty, it has already been extremely beautiful. I feel as if it is a season of preparation, and readying. For what? I am not sure, but I know it's good.

God has so graciously filled my heart with curiosity and drive to seek the answers to my questions; to seek out wise counsel in His people, and to seek out answers in His Word, in prayer, in sermons, and books. Then God has also given me the desire to apply that knowledge, and to walk in faith according to what I learn and know. Not only accumulating facts, but applying biblical principals to my heart and truly knowing them.

One book specifically has budded a great passion within my soul to continue to seek God out for answers of biblical manhood, and womanhood. It's a book called Good: The Joy of Christian Manhood and Womanhood, and it's free to download! It's amazing, and it's brought so much perspective to our biblical roles, and I'm only halfway through it.

For me I know this season is going to be far from short. There is so much to be done within my heart, but I am well beyond excited to see what God is going to do with me. I am beyond ready to surrender my self wholly to God and to allow His hands to work mightily and that I might gain life through losing it (Matthew 16:24-27). I am ready to be content in every season because I truly know who God is (Philippians 4:10-13). I am ready for God to be enough for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). I am ready to be confident and strong because "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31). I am ready to be steady and stable no longer being tossed back and forth by this life (Ephesians 4:13-14). I am ready to carry strength and dignity, laughing at the days to come, with a great fear for the Lord (Proverbs 31). and I am ready to hold a gentle and quiet spirit because I trust the Lord so I no longer have to be anxious or worried (1 Peter 3:4).

I am not there yet. I still lack a lot, and am immature in many ways. I know that this process of maturing and growing is going to take time, and most definitely won't happen over night. It probably will even be a consistent lesson through my entire life. I know that it is going to take a little digging, a little pain, and a little healing. It is solely by the work of the Holy Spirit that these things can be done within me, but I trust that God has allowed me to see in order that I may grow. I am so ready, so excited, and so open to what God has in store. I serve a mighty, gracious and powerful God. He is the one I can trust to do these great works within me; to show me what it means to step into maturity, and what being a godly woman looks like. Who knows better what I was created for than the creator?

It is time for healing, it is time for growing, and it is time for me to step into womanhood.