My First Love

I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy being in pain.

Far from actually. I often avoid commitment, I avoid dating -- preferring to keep it 'casual', I keep walls up and I usually stay at an arms length with most people in order to avoid it. I run as far as I can at the first signs of any kind of pain.

However lately I seem to have gotten myself entangled in pain's snares. I don't know how it happened, but I voided all my rules and it got me right where I always predicted it would get me. In pain, and broken-hearted.

I don't necessarily view this as a bad thing anymore. My ability to commit, to be close and intimate to someone, and my ability to open my heart has solely come from a great work God has begun in me. To me it means growth, and unfortunately it got me somewhere I don't want to be -- I still count it a victory.

If I face the cold hard facts I can see that my tank is empty. I am an empty person. Whether I choose to admit it or not I struggle with loneliness, addiction, and depression. My subconscious likes to resolve this void by filling it up with as many things as possible: friends, things to do, tv, lots of food, attention, books, drinks, etc. and none of these things are bad! They just should not be the things that I am seeking fulfillment in.

What I'm learning the hard way is that no-one and no-thing on this earth is going to satisfy my emptiness. I could own all that I dreamed of and live in the lap of luxury; I could have it all: friends, family, a stable job that I enjoy; I could fall in love, and even if I was loved back -- the loneliness would eventually return, and I would still feel hollow. I've been proven this time and time again in my own life.

The things I try to fill myself up with always leave me broken, hurt, confused, messy, and feeling more void than I did before. It's disappointing -- because initially they feel great.

There is a great quote by Ray Ortlund and it goes like this:

"God created a rich world to be enjoyed by fulfilled people, but human sin has emptied out the fullness God intended. That is why people are hollow, even as they stuff themselves with false meanings and disgusting pleasures."

Holla at yo girl.

He pinned me.

So what does it mean to be a fulfilled people anyways?

What I'm learning is that it means to be madly in love with someone who will never leave. Who will never tire of you. Someone who works things for your good. Who knows the desires of your heart and who gives you the desires of your heart. Someone who is perfect. Pure. Blameless. Someone who is in pursuit of you day and night, and relentlessly so. Who wants and desires your affections desperately. Someone who knew you well before you were even here, and knit you together Himself. Most of all, someone who loves you more than you are capable of loving Him -- no matter where you are now, no matter where you have been, what you are doing, have done, will do -- Someone who already madly loves you. Today. Right now.

Seems too good to be true... I know. But I know the guy and He's pretty amazing.

Jesus Christ knows exactly what we need, and He never fails us. Is that not good news?

Why is it then that I reach for everything else first? Why is Jesus my plan B?

The reality is that Jesus is scary. The call to love Him is big, and in an untrustworthy world -- where I have never seen ANYTHING that I can say without doubt is perfectly trustworthy -- you want me to trust this supposedly perfect being with... everything?

As I dip my toes into the waters of who Jesus is I am learning more and more everyday that He truly is who He says He is. Amid my pain He is still good. In my brokenness He is near. Despite my rebellion He is gracious, patient, and loving. And it's making me want to give him... everything.

It's not easy to make Jesus your first love and priority. Your true love. The love that all the rest of your life and your love revolves around. It's a battle, because everything else and everyone else in this world is going to be fighting for your affection and your attention.

But let me tell you friends, He is so worth the fight.

I am in a season where I am (finally) learning what it means to truly love the Lord with all that is in me, and allow it to consume me. I've said "I love Jesus" probably a million and a half times in my lifetime, but I'm not really sure I ever meant it. I don't think I've ever known the love of the Lord  (let alone love in general) like I am beginning to know it now -- and I've just started.

There is a love that is going to make your heart skip a beat. A love that makes you melt, and your stomach drop at the sound of your beloved's voice. It is all you can think about and it keeps you up late at night thinking about it. And no matter how long you have together, it is never enough.

I've felt this for a man before and it is wonderful and nerve wracking. But better than that is knowing it for Jesus-- because it's a multitude better, and you don't have to worry about whether He loves you the same way. You don't have to worry if He is thinking about you too, or if He wants you the way you want Him. BECAUSE HE DOES! He loves you and wants you more than you want Him. Always.

I have always sought this in other people, and I have always been let down.

So this time I'm going to seek it in Jesus. I'm going to fight to make Jesus my first love, and that might be hard. It is so tempting to let a man (or woman depending on who is reading this) fill this place and to take Jesus' rightful place in your heart. But I promise you friends, if you are seeking only what the Lord can give in another sinful and broken human, you are going to be terribly let down. I was.

My challenge is this: Let the Lord love you first before you put anyone else in the picture. Spend some time being romanced and deeply loved and known by the Father, the Creator, and the lover of your soul. Belong to a God that loves you, and let Him belong to you. Learn what it means to love, and learn what it means to be loved, perfectly so. We will never be able to truly be loved, or even love ourselves without it. We will expect too much, and love too little. When Jesus is your fulfillment, man's disappointments are so small -- when you have all that you need everything else can be enjoyed, and Jesus is truly all that you need friends.

Where there is a fulfilled person, there is a person who is able to enjoy the richness and beauty in this world.

Make God your first love. Seek it.
He most definitely will be mine.

Porn is Killing Me

When was I first exposed to porn?

I was 6.

Just as innocent as they come, me and a friend were looking for hairspray to play dress up -- and underneath the bathroom cabinet was a stack of her dad's playboys. Out of curiosity we looked. To this day I can still remember those images. They are seared into my brain.

My eyes were opened to the sexuality of our culture when I had just barely come out of being a toddler. Luckily for me that's pretty much where it ended too. I knew even as a little girl that it wasn't the way things were supposed to be. I've avoided porn like the plague ever since. 

Unfortunately even though I don't look at porn, I've never invested into it, I've never struggled with it, and besides that one time I've never really seen it since -- It still effects me everyday.

The 'soft core' version of it is everywhere; movies, billboards, magazines, and even commercials. I saw a trash bag commercial the other day that clearly had sexual innuendos... a trash bag commercial. Are you kidding me?

I was raised in my church understanding and being told that I was valuable. That I had worth. I was told that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made'. I was told that I was beautiful, and the Lord knit me together in my mother's womb. He foreknew all of my days, and he planned all the good works I would do as His sweet beloved daughter. 

On the average day I believe this. I am confident in who I am. God's words are true, and that resonates deeply in my heart. It makes me sure, and I look in the mirror grateful for my design and my unique beauty. I valuable. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am far from insecure.

However there are also a lot of days I don't believe this. I know a ton of men around me that struggle with pornography. The way I 'should' look is posted everywhere within sight. It make's me feel inadequate. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to have to try to be something I am not. I will never have beautifully browned Brazilian skin. I will always have bumps, scars, and stretch marks. I will never be a size 2, with DD breasts and a hairless body. My face is round, and my eyes are not a sexy-almond shape. That's just the truth.

But according to what everything around me says, and according to many men -- I am not desirable.

It stings to feel undesirable. It also stings to not feel human, but rather as an object of pleasure. It cuts to be dismissed because I am average, or because I'm not outwardly wild. The behavior expectations, the physical expectations, and the lack of value that is place on my soul and my body is killing me.

Porn is not only destroying me, but it's destroying men. Our culture has grown men that are incapable of being faithful -- not with their eyes, their minds, their hearts nor their bodies. They are numb to human emotion and hardened to the value of a human life. Sex has been destroyed for many people. The way I have personally been treated out of the side-effects of porn by men in my life has been deeply wounding. Porn always wins when they have to make a choice.

Porn is addictive and the addiction can spiral out of control quickly. It is a gateway to a whole slew of ugly and damaging sin. It literally rewires your brain for what intimacy means, and destroys how a person connects with the people around them. It's ugly.

The porn industry has only opened the door to an ocean of insatiable sexual appetites. This has resulted in world-wide problems of sex-trafficking, strip clubs, prostitution, brothels and more. The monster's appetite has gotten so large that children as young as the age of 4 are being used in films, pictures, and being sold and bought for their tiny bodies. Women are being kidnapped, raped, abused and sold into sex-trafficking daily.

I think what bothers me most though.. is that this 'business' this 'supply' would not be necessary without a demand. Every time someone clicks that tempting little side bar on their screen that promises them 'sexy dirty women' they are feeding the demand. We are destroying souls.

If that doesn't make you hate porn -- can I continue? 

Most porn stars -- though looking into the camera, making you feel desirable, performing animalistic, dehumanizing,  often times violent acts, acting like they like it -- They're dying inside. They are usually high, or so emotionally and mentally checked out that they don't remember what they are doing the whole time they are filming. Most porn stars are so disgusted by what they are doing that they abuse alcohol, and drugs as a means to escape. Many porn stars die of overdose or suicide. So next time we scour the internet for our pleasure and self-satisfaction -- think about finding the girl you are watching lifeless in her hotel room. Morbid? I don't care. I hate it. She is/was a person too. 

Do you ever think a little girl dreams of growing up and becoming a porn star? I would say no. Most little girls want to be mommies. They want to be doctors, chefs, teachers.. and through some series of unfortunate events -- maybe abuse, maybe being kidnapped, maybe loss -- these women who once wanted to be a mommy, a doctor, a teacher  are now giving their bodies away and putting it on your computer screen.

My heart literally aches for the people that struggle with porn, and for the people who are involved in porn. It's so destructive and is such a large issue and such a deep problem. The struggle is deep, and real.

I hate this -- but ranting about it isn't going to do anything. I could blog all day about the side-effects and damages that porn causes but it's not going to do anything. 

You can't just state a problem without a solution, and this is what I know:

My God is bigger.

He has more power, more strength and more control than this massive, multi-billion dollar industry. 

If He can create the world in 7 days, if He can part the red sea, if He can move mountains, if He can birth a savior from a virgin, if He can destroy the walls of Jericho, if He can save Paul, and David. He sure as hell can conquer porn.

"But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” -- Matthew 19:26

"“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?"" -- Jeremian 32:27

"Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure." -- Psalm 147:5

God's grace, and love is BIGGER!

I don't care who you are, what you have done, or how often you look at porn. You are still insanely loved by the creator of this planet, The King of the Universe, the savior of this world and you're covered if you just ask.

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" -- Romans 5:8

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." -- 1 John 4:10

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." -- Psalm 103:8

"We love because he first loved us." -- 1 John 4:9

Christ died for you. He died for your screw ups, he died for your shortcomings, he died for your selfishness, your insatiable sexual appetite, your lustful thoughts, your anger, your addictions. HE DIED FOR IT ALL.

God is BIGGER than our addictions.

His word says that Christ is victor. CHRIST WINS GUYS. 

"for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." -- 1 John 5:4

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -- 1 John 1:9

"From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people. "Selah"" -- Psalm 3:8

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." -- 1 Corinthians 15:57

WE HAVE TO STOP UNDERESTIMATING THE POWER OF OUR GOD.

We have a choice.

We HAVE to choose to stop being a part of the problem. Now that we know the problem -- we have to choose to fight it. Whether you are fighting it internally, or you are willing to take up responsibility physically to fight it. WE NEED TO START TODAY. 

We have to choose life and not death, and through life we are capable and powerful in Christ.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -- Romans 8:31

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” -- Joshua 1:9

"For nothing will be impossible with God.” -- Luke 1:37

As Andy Mineo would say: YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

We need men and women who have conquered their porn addictions to mentor youths that are just now starting playing in the pools of their demise. We need to cut it off before it starts.

We need men and women fighting their own porn and sexual addictions -- taking up Christ and being conquerors.

We need men and women who HATE porn so much that we are willing to fight at any cost to stop it.

We need men and women who are knowledgeable about the porn problem to continue to spread awareness.

We need men and women who are good moms and dads to their kids -- teaching and raising their children to be godly men and women who also hate porn, and value human life.

We need men that are good fathers. NOT showing their sons and daughters porn. NOT leaving their own porn around the house for anyone to see. But Fathers who choose to not look at porn, and teach their sons and daughters to choose the same.

We need women who are good mothers. NOT allowing porn to be in their household. NOT brushing it under the rug. But  Mothers who stand up for their own value, for the value of people everywhere, and teaching their sons and daughters to stand up for the same.

We need men and women who are redeemed. Who are sold out for the cause of Christ and to the healing of our nation making a front line to fight against the injustice and destruction of human life. 

We need men and women -- teachers, doctors, nurses, politicians, pastors, film-makers, photographers, painters, counselors -- to unite under this banner willing to fight it.

We need men and women who know the power of God and His Holy Spirit, and use it.

We need men and women in deep prayer for the filmers, the producers, the stars of porn. 

We need men and women in deep prayer for the pimps, prostitutes, and people involved in sex-trafficking.

We need men and women in deep prayer for each other. So we have the strength to fight. 

We need to stop the demand so we can rescue the supply. 

With God we are capable of putting an end to the porn industry and sex-trafficking.

He's moving. I know it.

The best way we can start fighting this problem is fighting it in your prayers. So friends, let your prayers get loud, let them get big, let them get audacious! Make them prayers that scare Satan and makes him shake where he stands.

This isn't Satan's play ground anymore. This is a battler field. So suit up.

Here are some additional tools and resources I am investing into myself to start off, I hope you join me:

http://www.unearthedpictures.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_TQpIQxojM&feature=youtu.be

http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage/the-porn-path
http://marshill.com/2012/03/05/stats-on-porn
http://marshill.com/2008/09/28/porn-again-christian-a-free-e-book
http://store.theresurgence.com/products/redemption

http://www.love146.org/

http://streetlightusa.org/

P.S. If you have anymore resources/ways to get involved PLEASE let me know. I love you guys and I hope you join me in the fight.

Love Yourself

I'm a fixer.

Naturally I'm drawn to broken things, and I want to make them better.

However being a fixer has sometimes turned me upon myself. I see that I am broken. I need fixing.

While this is at large true -- I've overcompensated this vision into almost a self-hate way too often. In my eyes I am SO broken that I don't see all the places I am whole. I see so much of my weakness that I forget where I am strong.

I am too sinful. I am too broken. I am too weak. I have too much darkness within me. I need to be A, B, and C, before I can ever do ______ (insert anything in life here).

I don't think I'm the only one who does this either.

My tendency is to zone in on the wickedness of the human heart according to Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" I conclude that I am beyond repair, but continue to try to fix the darkest parts of me anyways. I completely dismiss that Christ already died for this very part of me.

At this perspective, the way I've heard it explained has been -- "I am betraying the vision"

I am betraying the vision that God has for me by only seeing the bad. I am beating myself up even though Christ already took the beating. I am so busy looking at myself I forget to look at Him. I am betraying the plan and vision God has for my life because I am so consumed by my faulty steps that I stop walking. I am betraying the vision by only wanting the future "better me", because only then will I be acceptable.

What I wonder is... who am I trying to be acceptable for? Christ already accepted me.

Christ is trying to wash my feet and I am pulling them out of the water because I don't feel worthy. Sometimes I wish I could yell at myself - "WOULD YOU JUST STOP AND SEE WHAT CHRIST IS TRYING TO DO? HE ALREADY LOVES YOU. HE IS TRYING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING AND TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE." 

Although Jeremiah says our hearts are wicked -- Galatians also says,"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Christ lives within me! I personally do not believe Christ will cozy up and make a home somewhere wicked without transforming it. I believe that once we truly accept Christ, our hearts of stone are replaced with ones of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). I believe that through our walk with Christ our hearts are transformed to desire good things, holy things, to behold light and goodness. Will this home need cleaning still? Probably. Life is naturally going to make a mess, and sometimes we let mess pile up. But if Christ is living there I don't think I can comfortably live with permanent wickedness decorated in His home. I'm sure He's not okay with it either.

I am learning that I am made in God's image (Genesis 1:27), I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), and that I was designed with weakness AND strength -- so why should I not be confident in how God has created me and called me? Why is it suddenly prideful when I am comfortable with what God has made me to do and where He has made me strong? Paul was! He constantly writes about how God revealed things to him to give to other people. He starts almost every letter with "I was sent by Jesus", and writes in the letters about the wisdom he has because God gave it to him. We don't consider him egotistical and prideful. Don't get me wrong there is a point where flaunting your strengths is prideful, but like everything else in life there is balance.

Humility is literally defined as, "a modest view of one's own importance."

So humility doesn't mean I am not worth anything. It means I know what I look like next to the Lord. It means I know my place. It means I'm not shouting everything I deserve or strutting around with an ego, but instead I am accepting that I am loved by a savior and given good gifts.

In the eyes of the Lord I am important. Important enough to die for. Important enough to be abundantly loved. Now I didn't accomplish this on my own, no, I don't deserve this, but I am still valuable in the Lord's eyes.

I'm convinced Satan is taking God's truth and twisting it so we see the good things within ourselves and we can't believe them to be true.

So you struggle with lust? Cool me too. I also struggle with pride, selfishness, anger, and many other things. By the grace of Jesus He's healing me and we are working through it. However I'm also learning I'm good at things. My strengths are wisdom, encouragement, joy, patience, kindness, and faithfulness. I'm really good at being adaptable. I'm really good at seeing a problem and finding a solution for it. I am smart because I love knowing things and I seek knowledge. I am honest because I don't like pretending. I am creative and I am really good at articulating points, ideas, and how I feel.

I should be excited about that. These are all God given gifts that are useful tools for spreading the gospel and loving other people. I should be able to share that. I should be comfortable and confident in that, because that is how God designed me. These are places he has healed me and grown me. It's a testimony of His goodness.

Yes, as people we are really good at making good things bad, and my strengths can quickly become weaknesses if I let them. The good news is I need Jesus... Daily, hourly, by the minute, by the second -- and I know it. I know that without Jesus these things can quickly go bad, but focusing on that will only get me somewhere I don't want to go.

My friend pointed out something kind of wonderful today. She said, "God's second greatest commandment was to love our neighbor as we love ourselves." -- love ourselves.

I think all of us know this, but we don't understand it. To some it might say -- "well since you think you're so awesome why don't you treat your friend that way" and maybe that is one way to look at it. I also believe one very important thing that God is trying to say is that you need to treat yourself well, and out of this treat your neighbor with the same wellness.

So basically a requirement for loving each other is loving ourselves. We cannot love our neighbor if we don't love ourselves. (Side note, this is not an excuse to please your every fleshly desire out of "treating yourself well", that's a sin.) Treating ourselves well means taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually so we can be healthy enough to love others.

While I find great health in knowing our weaknesses, our struggles, and where we fall short -- I also find great health in knowing our strengths, things we are good at, and how God has redeemed our natural tendencies for His good. We need to know both otherwise we will drown in one or the other.

So God is teaching me it's okay to love myself, though often times I don't believe it. He is being gentle and patient with me as he takes off Satan's blinders that I'm so comfortable wearing. I fight with Him sometimes, but He waits, and He shows me again. It's a process, but one day I have hope that I'll be comfortable in truth.

Recreational Christianity

Just a forewarning this isn't some mushy gushy blog. I'm getting real.

Have you ever been to a college campus during intramural sports? They often have the recreational leagues, and the competitive leagues. Recreational leagues are designed for students who don't want to win anything, who are just playing to have fun, or simply because they don't know what they are doing. The competitive league features teams who are in it to win it. They practice, get their head into it, and play to reach the prize.

I feel like way too often we are treating Christianity as intramural sports and we are either in the recreational or competitive league. Not that Christianity is a competition, but more in a sense of how seriously we go about living our lives as Christians.

I find that I see more people in the recreational league. This bothers me. What I mean by recreational league is tacking Jesus on as an accessory and not a life changing central force to life. They think its of good fun to add Jesus to their already 'just fine' lives. Throw in His name when it is convenient, and if they are in a slightly higher level of it they might leech their relationship with Christ off of their pastor or small group leader: taking the pouring in and never giving out. They probably know the bible, and know the story of Christ but to them it is just that -- a story. It is not an all consuming, transforming, awe inspiring, FACT. This is history people. Not a feel good story.

I had a friend come to me today feeling as if she wanted someone to come along side her within her relationship with Christ; someone to partner with her in prayer, and kind of be like a 'running buddy'. I say that in terms of sometimes we need an workout buddy to work by our side to pick us up off the couch on the days we don't want to hit the gym. It's a source of accountability. I feel the same comes in faith a lot.

Eccelsiastes 4:9-12 says this:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." 

So yes I find accountability vital. It says so in the bible. So when she mentioned she was having difficulty thinking of anyone, but then God led her to me, I was at first flattered! Then confused. We live on a Christian campus with so many people who proclaim their faith, why was she having difficulty finding people to come along side with her?

What I saw was this: my lovely friend does not 'kind of' pursue the Lord, or 'sometimes' read her word, she is full fledged RUNNING towards God. She gets it. She understands what bearing her cross means. She understands what Christ's sacrifice was. She understands that she was and is bought, covered in grace, loved beyond compare, and has a living breathing part of the Trinity within her (insert Holy Spirit party here). I admire her in a lot of ways, and I am honored to see that she felt I was running after Christ at the same pace as her. But I was super bummed to find that she didn't see that in very many people around her.

What are we doing?

I'm not about playing recreational Christianity anymore. If God is who He says He is, if Christ was a living sacrifice, a son of the Holy God, sent to die for my depravity; if I am truly covered in GRACE, called by faith, and boundlessly loved -- WHY AM I NOT GIVING MY EVERYTHING TO THIS GUY?!

Do we truly... I mean truly know what this means?

Why are we letting so much get in the way? Why are we muting the Holy Spirit within us, and only letting Him talk when we need answers? Why are we suddenly too busy to incorporate our SAVIOR into our busy everyday lives? Why are we so convinced that porn, weed, alcohol, TV,  material things, gym memberships, a certain level of beauty, or a successful job are more fulfilling than Christ? Who are we to think we have control and can do it on our own? Do we even know who He is? Since when did he become our second, third, fourth, priority?

This isn't a game people. I'm done playing for fun.

I myself am not innocent. If I have not conquered all of those questions above, it's definitely most of them. Call me a hypocrite, but guess what? You are one too. We can't avoid our sinfulness. However, what we can do is have our sin lay us face down at the feet of God. We don't have to let it consume us, control us or bury us. We don't need to justify our sin, we need to eradicate it with the blood of the cross.

So guess what guys? I'm being called to the big leagues. I'm moving up to the the league of all out, passionate, relentless pursuit of God. I cannot guarantee I won't slip up, but there is no way I can truly live life without dying first. It's not me. It's not my name I want to make great. It's Christ's. HE is loving. HE is holy. He is King. Ruler. Victor. Now I lay my eyes on not what is today, but what is the prize. When I forget to set my sights upon eternity I pray someone would lift my face. I'm honestly lucky -- even though I don't believe in luck -- because I have this insane community surrounding me. I have been given the most beautiful gifts in the form of people. They encourage, inspire, love, and renew me. I pray that everyone of you reading this finds that too. I wish it for everyone wanting to fight the good fight, and run the race like you mean it.

This isn't meant to condemn anybody. In fact I hope you know that you're already covered. God saved, saves, and is saving us constantly. Myself included. We just need a wake up call sometimes.

No more half-ass Christianity.

You're being called to the big leagues too.

Refining Faith

Hope is essential to the lives we lead.

Hope is a scary thing to lose.

As I have written in previous posts the season I have been going through has been extremely difficult. There have been days where I didn't even want to get out bed, and days it has taken everything out of me to even desire my next breath. I lost hope.

However, as the days get a little easier -- the pain less crippling and more manageable, and as I begin to have more good days than bad -- I have received hope for the season's near end, and I have begun to see the value of this time.

I had coffee with a wise friend the other day and he referred to our hearts as something that constantly need to undergo a refining process. He used gold as the example.

To purify gold it needs to be subjected to intense temperatures and liquified. Once in its liquid form the impurities within the gold will rise to the surface and then can be scraped off. 

My first thought about this was "oh cool good to know", but as I thought about it just a little more I found and realized that our hearts and our faith are constantly being put through this purifying process.

Being subject to the refining fires within my own life I have seen an immense amount of some pretty ugly impurities rise to the surface: anger, hostility, the desire to numb, a great loss of faith, becoming detached, distant, unloving, and prideful are just a few.

It hasn't been pretty, and scraping off of these impurities has been slightly painful and very humbling. But it has been amazing to watch God work within myself the way He has.

The messy parts of my heart that I thought I dealt with a long time ago were needing some extra tending to, and old wounds were being cleaned and mended up properly. Within all of this I have been renewed of hope, and reminded of Christ's pure joy.

From a very deep low I've finally begun to see seeds of change. It's like the promise of spring after a terribly cold and harsh winter. God has begun to use people, books, music and an assortment of other things to refresh and renew my faith. He has been so gentle as to lead me back to a resting place, and pull me in to His heart. I am coming out of this season with a testimony of His faithfulness. I cannot help but praise and worship Him for what seems like the impossible work that is being done on my heart. I cannot begin to thank Him enough for the great love, grace and faith He has so eagerly and abundantly given to me.

We see so many trials in life. Loss, confusion, brokenness and to say they are just for our misery is a joke. We are being refined. We are being purified. We are building strength and character. So even when these seasons come, I see them as beautiful. They are a real pain, but beautiful. 

Although some days I don't understand, and many days I don't see the point, I know nothing is wasted.

In the end I am constantly amazed by the craftsmanship of my God. Nothing fails to shout of His glory.

A Father's Heart

Can I brag about my dad for a minute?

No, he's not perfect. In fact he's far from. He has made his mistakes. He has hurt me many times, and has caused pains I've had to take a lot of time to get over. But he's still one of the most amazing men I know.

One thing I have never questioned is my dad's love for me. I've been through seasons where I have been confused about how much, but I have always known he loved me. As an adult I see at those times of doubt he was just doing what he felt was right. My dad has a way with words that literally brings me to tears (in a good way). The way he describes to me his love are the sweetest words I could hear from the most important man in my life. He isn't shy about it either. He boldly states it without hesitation or waver. He is confident in the depth and vastness of his love for his daughter. Knowing a love like that is healing to the heart and the soul. It is warming and secure.
When I talk about how much I love my daddy I cry every single time. It's that great. I literally don't know how my human heart can hold that much love. It overwhelms me. I don't know how I got so lucky.

My dad is an incredible man in so many ways. He is wise and logical. Forgetful and stubborn. He thinks deeply, loves deeply, and works harder than any other man I know. He will listen to me for hours, as if my words are the most precious thing he will hear all day. And talks just about as much. He is passionate and curious. He is wholesome and caring. He is constant and sound, and I know if I ever need him, he'll be there.

My dad also is a constant reminder of who I am and why I do what I do. He is constantly feeding into my identity. He reminds me that I'm smart and capable. He never fails to tell me how beautiful and radiant I am. Sometimes I think he believes I hung the moon and stars  -- though we both know it's not true. He's seen all of the ugly sides of me. He knows the mistakes I've made. He has felt my anger and defiance. Yet he still knows the things that are true about me, and still loves me all the more. I'm his princess.

I realize how much I enjoy the things I do because of him. He enjoys the beauty of the outdoors, the warm-hearted sermons of country music, and has a craving to learn new things everyday. He has an impeccable eye for beauty, a love for oceans and water, and he is hands down one of the nerdiest people I know. Yet he is strong, charming, and loyal. These are all things I've been blessed to have rubbed off on me. Even in small ways.

He taught me grace. He taught me patience. He taught me work ethic.  He taught me confidence. He taught me peace and loyalty. I know without him I wouldn't know much of these things.

Today as I sat with my dad on this holiday, and enjoyed his presence. I was reminded of the joy in being truly loved.

This reminded me of the heart of our Heavenly Father. If you take away all of the flaws my earthly daddy has, and replace God's name in the paragraphs I wrote above -- these words don't do Him justice. If I am so deeply loved by the wonderful man I just described, I can only be loved more by the wonderful God I serve.

The qualities my dad holds are small in comparison to the wonder of God. He is so much more, and so much better. The realization nearly swept me off my feet.

The image of mine and my father's relationship is only a glimpse into a heavenly love. It is only a touch of what heaven tastes like -- and at this rate I can't wait to know it.

The Beauty in Ugly Seasons

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

I was thinking today about where I am, and where I have been. More often than not do I forget where I have been because I constantly live for tomorrow. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you, but the way my brain works is in handling my agenda today because I want my future to look a certain way.

At times this has helped me and most of the time this has hurt me, because I forget to cherish the days and the hours I am in. "I'm going to be more loving" I'll say, but instead of taking time to just love the people around me I look for books, and articles on being more loving. It doesn't make sense.

However, recently I've been in a really rough season. This season not being one I could think or will my way out of. It's not one that I could just drop the pain of, or read enough books and articles to pass through. If anything those things made it worse. The only thing that has helped me is looking at where I have been, where I am now, and the beauty that has come out of my every season in life.

About two years ago I started bible school. I started with ambition, drive, and a serious hunger for the word. But as time passed those all quickly faded and it turned into a desert season. What I mean is, no matter how hard I sought God, truth, and his word I felt like I came up with sand instead of water. I felt as if God wasn't talking to me. He felt distant. I felt def. I hated this season. I thought it was the most terrible place I could be -- to have no guidance, no reassurance, nothing. I was desperate to hear God's voice, and to feel God's presence. I had no idea what He was doing or why He was withholding Himself.

To me then, this was an ugly season. Now I see the beauty in it. God was asking me for my faith. My perseverance. Would I still worship and praise Him without reward? Today God's voice and presence are tangible to me. Yet it is precious and dear because I know how it feels to be without. It taught me the value of faithfulness through the storm. That was the beauty of my ugly season.

Last year I had just started as a freshman at GCU (Go 'Lopes!) and God was about to rock my world. The season I entered was full of ups and downs. I had the entire foundation of my faith ripped out from beneath my feet. I was finding things in the bible I had never seen before, and not finding things in the bible that I had been told and believed for a majority of my life. It was a season of confusion, doubt, and angst. Fortunately I was able to see the beauty of this season before it ended, but I sure did not like a majority of it. I was desperate for truth. I knew what God was doing but I was insanely uncomfortable.

Today I see even more beauty in this season than before. I came out of  it with confidence and much more knowledge and wisdom than I had ever held before. I realized the importance of truth, and now I hold on to it and seek it daily.

Today is Christmas break of my sophomore year in college, and I'm just breaking out of one of the hardest seasons of my entire life. It is a season I have still yet to find the beauty within. The past year has held its series of struggles, starting with losing the home I grew up in. As someone who is highly sentimental this was hard for me. Probably harder than it should have been. After this came the surprise of my parents divorce and struggling with feelings of betrayal, abandonment, loss of family, and a lot of pain. I believed things to look-up as my handsome and charming best friend and I began to date, only soon to realize that we weren't working as well as we thought we would -- the result being deep heartache from the loss of not only my boyfriend but my best friend. The last and final event being the announcement of the loss of our church as it once was. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it came with a mixture of feelings. Excitement yet sadness, peace yet loss.

I have been completely stripped. I lost all things I saw as the pieces of my life. It resulted in some really ugly surfacing of feelings, and sinfulness I didn't know I had. I haven't always been faithful through it either -- in fact most of the time turning to TV, last minute road trips, sleep, alcohol and even drugs to temporarily ease or numb my pain. I was hopeless. I lost peace. I lost confidence. I felt like I was worthless, lacking of value, and unlovable.

I could tangibly feel the war that was going on within me. I could feel myself giving in to Satan and his lies, but God literally trying to pull me out of the waters I was drowning myself in. I can honestly say I've never been in this much pain before in my life. I lost all desire to live. I began to isolate myself. I told myself no body around me cared (although there was no evidence of that, I was surrounded by loving community). My pride saying I was undeserving of love, so I no longer accepted it. I felt like I was a sole source of everyone's pain, so I shouldn't subject people I love to that and I halted all communication to friends and family. The list goes on.

This I feel is an ugly season.

Fortunately I serve an endlessly gracious God. One that picks me up out of bed in the middle of the night to heal my wounded heart. To remind me of whom I belong to. To dethrone all of the things I made ruler of my heart, and seat Himself there instead. To amaze me, and relieve me within my brokenness. To reveal to me my blessings. To show me my value and worth, and to tell me the work in my heart that is yet to be done. To whisper a clear, "Daughter, don't you know that my love for you is everlasting and infinite?"

I felt as if these things lifted an anvil off of my chest and I could breathe again. My heart felt raw, yet whole and full. It's like scrubbing mud or dirt off of your skin -- it stings, but you finally feel clean. I felt free from the prison and chains that kept me from healing, and my Great Physician could finally begin.

So my season has not yet finished, but I have such a different outlook.

What I have come to realize while I look back is the growth and building God was doing in my life while in these rough seasons. Among the seasons I hated the most, God was doing His biggest and best works inside of me. So instead of numbing my despair I find myself excited for the beauty of what is to come, and truly walking through my pain with Christ. I am grateful for the things that have been taken from me, and the things I have lost. (Not in a way as to pretend I'm okay, but being content in what Christ has given me by his grace and faith alone.) Though it is painful, I know it is worth it. Time will only tell what the fruit of this season will look like, but I can only assume that it will be good.

The credit cannot be taken on my own. The walls I've faced, the dark seasons I've been through, and the storms I've endured I've survived and grown from are greatly due to the community that surrounds me and the people God has so carefully placed in my life. Every single one of my relationships have been an amazing gift. I don't believe that without good mentors, counsel, accountability and the joy of living in transparent community I would be were I am. I have been incredibly blessed with people speaking into my life since I was young, and I continue to be blessed by it. New family, and old family.

We cannot do life on our own, and that is why I believe that God stresses community so much in the bible. As humans we belong to each other and need each other. Not in a way as to replace God, but in a way to magnify His greatness.

I am grateful for my seasons. Good or bad, winter or summer, and no matter what God makes all things beautiful in its time. :)