Called Out

A few words that describe me are strong-willed, talkative, and opinionated. If you know me at all you might chuckle at those words because of their truth. At times they are good characteristics to have! I settle conflict quickly, I am not caught in awkward silences often, and I stand very firm in my faith. However lately they have been reflections of a sick heart. I've been a overbearing, unable to listen, over-critical of everything, and a real jerk about how I feel things should be.

Needless to say I was not so very aware of this until this past week when God start sneaking little hints in to check my condition. It started with a bible study where we had a discussion on the creation of the world according to Genesis and what that means for us. We have been using the book The True Story of the Whole World: finding your place in the biblical drama- By Craig G. Bartholomew and Michael W. Goheen, as an aid (It's an amazing read if you haven't read it yet).

Our discussion basically ended on looking for God's original goodness in creation. What I had come to notice is that I'm so quick to criticize and correct that I forget to find God's work and the beauty of His plan within the things around me.

Wake up call number two came from the simple act of studying my bible. I've been preparing a bible study into Ephesians and right there in front of my face one passage highlights itself for me:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." -Ephesians 4:29

Guilty as charged. I am pretty mortified knowing what I let escape my lips these days.

Last, but I'm sure not least, and probably not actually last was an article my big brother posted on Facebook. It can be found here: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/modern-worship-music-wars

What the article basically covers is how we have become a culture that wants things the way we want them, and we will even pick apart worship services because they aren't the way we like them. We have come to worship, worship instead of worshiping God.

Also guilty.

My favorite part was this,

"It shouldn't take the perfect circumstances for us to see the beauty, glory and wonder of our great God. If we have tasted the beauty of grace, it should be easy for us to stand in awe, utterly captivated by that incredible, glorious truth that transcends all preferences of all people in all cultures for all time. But we have to get our eyes off of ourselves and onto Him."

Through my search for truth I have developed a very liberal thought process, and what this over-critical attitude is doing for me and to me is not good. It is blinding me from seeing the goodness and beauty within my experiences, is preventing me from loving to the fullest, and has made me hard to be around. What I originally intended to be a solid filter for lies (because no we shouldn't believe what everyone has to say) has become something that blocks me from learning truths. Going about discernment can either be done is wisdom or destruction, and I have been unintentionally leaning towards destruction. I have been so bound and determined to correct everyone that I have not seen my own flaws, pride, and self-righteousness.

When I decide to share what I dislike about every church service it's not edifying to anyone around me, nor is it glorifying to God. In fact it might be taking away from someone else's experience. There is a difference between loving correction and unwholesome talk. One is a biblical truth, and the other is a sin.

By this I humbled.

So, guess what? I'm sinful. That's not news. The good news is that God's grace is sufficient and that I'm already covered because of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection. As Christ continues to make a home within my heart He is going to continually have to clean out the dark spaces, and tear out the damage of sin to rebuild a sturdy and beautiful house. Sometimes this can be a tedious work, sometimes it can take forever, and there may be delays because of bad weather. Sometimes its a painful work, but all the time it is a good work.

My attempts are to send negativity and unhealthy criticism packing and replace it with the gentleness, love, and truth of Christ. This is going to be a process, and I'm bound to fall. The beauty of corporate confession (aka this blog) is that it's going to create an atmosphere of accountability in my life, and Lord knows I need it.

Modest is Hottest

I know so many people have heard that silly, almost cliche, tag line for modesty. "Modest is Hottest". I've heard it so many times growing up in youth group and even later becoming a youth leader myself. I just listened. Besides when people told me that I'd marry a hot Christian man by covering my whole body up, I didn't question it. I never actually took any thought into why I need to dress modestly, but rather decided if church was telling me then I should do it.

Now that I have well grown out of the stage of listening to whatever people tell me I had never been approached with the topic of modesty again until the other night. I was sitting in the hot tub with a couple of my friends, and managed to strike up a conversation with a few other people that were in there with us. I don't know how it came up but it did. A girl piped up and said, "you don't want to hear my opinion on modesty its different than most". Obviously I was curious, so I asked her to explain what she meant genuinely wanting to hear her opinion. So she began to explain her views on modesty.

Her views went a little something along the lines of "it doesn't matter how we [women] dress, it is a man's responsibility to not view us as objects but as people". It kind of took me aback because I've never talked to anyone with that opinion before (curses growing up in a church). At the time I had no response to what she said. I simply told her that I couldn't say I agree nor disagree because I've never actually looked into it. She referred to an article she had read online and I actually think I found it.

This one: http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/

I can very much see why she thinks that, and I don't necessarily completely disagree. It is a man's responsibility to respect us as women, and look at us as people and not dehumanize us. However with further thought and a little bit of research of my own I also think we should be respecting men by not making it harder for them to respectfully see us.

Ladies, I doubt if you are dressing yourself in a tiny skirt and a low cut blouse that shows off your cleavage, you look in the mirror and think, "I am going to be so well respected and honored wearing this". Most of the time you're dressing for male attention, and Lord knows you'll get it. I've even seen many outfits where not only are men distracted by the amount of skin you are showing but as a woman I am too. If I don't remember what your face looks like then it's probably not an outfit that condones "respectful eyes" from men.

Naturally nearly all men are visual. Only about 25 percent of woman are visual. This means that they are very aware of what they see and their brain is like a filing cabinet of pictures. Men can also receive physical pleasure from the simple fact of seeing a beautiful woman. That is why most companies market and advertise their product with beautiful women. Consciously or subconsciously men respond to that.

We also live in a country where porn is a multi-billion dollar industry and 90 percent of children are exposed to porn at least once between the ages of 8-16 and in most cases unintentionally. (http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.html). So living in a society that already pollutes a man's mind with sexual images even at such a young age, maintaining a respectful image is already difficult. If a man is trying to maintain, find, or heal his view of women, dressing inappropriately will not help him get there.

Now I am most definitely not making an excuse for men. I believe very much so that men are called to be leaders in the bible. They are called to love women and that we are to work side by side. I think that almost everything that is in the article "Seeing a Woman" is pretty much spot on. Men should be stepping up, and especially teaching their sons this lesson. We however as Christian women should not be making this a harder process and we should be edifying (Proverbs 27:13), encouraging (1 Thess. 5:11), and loving our brothers well (1 Cor. 13:4-8). We should not be a stumbling block (2 Cor. 6:3), and if that means wearing a shirt that covers up your chest, and shorts that your butt doesn't hang out the back of... suck it up and do it.

Not only are you respecting your brother by dressing modestly, but you are respecting yourself. The sad truth is that this world is full of brokenness and sin. We live in a time where we can believe that people should act a certain way that is good, but they won't because things are no longer as they should be since the fall in the garden of Eden (Gen. 3). We are saturated in a world that doesn't care if they should be respecting you with their eyes, so you have to be careful how you dress because of the attention you will receive. The best way you can respect yourself is not showing the most precious and beautiful parts of yourself to the whole world, and allowing your body to be a sanctuary for your eyes, and your husband's eyes only.

We also should be dressing to portray how we want be seen. So if we want to be respected we have to dress that way. If we want to be portrayed as a woman who respects herself and loves the Lord then we should dress accordingly (1 Tim. 2:9-10).

I'm mostly just saying that if we want to continue to grow in Christ, and continue to hold healthy relationships with each other we need to help each other out and we can't start placing the blame on one person or the other, one sex or the other, one race or the other. We are all sinful and the only way to cure that is Jesus' blood and having a heart of repentance. We are one body. So we have to work together like one.

Grief and Loss

So I've been going through a bible study with some really amazing woman at a local church here in Phoenix that I adore. The bible study has really been opening my eyes to my heart's condition and some of the events I've seen play out in my past and even present. A lot of these things I've seen, or have been through, or have even done myself have come to shape who I am today and why I handle things the way I do. It's just been a truly incredible journey.

This week we briefly covered pain and grieving over the things we have lost. It really got my mind going, and I quickly realized I never thought about the sum of my losses until I started writing them down from childhood to teens and even now. As I wrote them down I also realized my lack of grieving for my losses because of my fear for vulnerability and weakness.

Growing up in the church I went through a phase of learning to shut down my pain and losses because it was not wanted or needed when I showed up on Sunday morning. I had to save it for another time. I don't know why I felt this way. I don't know if it was the church, my home, or christian culture at the time, but this was the mindset I was in. It soon just became a thing where I felt as if there was no time for it. No time for honesty. No time for vulnerability. I was done making people feel uncomfortable so I no longer wanted to mention it. That phase of numbing turned into sturdy wall and I've done it ever since.

I've seen many other people do the same thing and shut down their pain and losses, put them away in the old dusty attic, and put on a fake smile in order to keep the peace. When we become a part of the church I've noticed many of us suddenly feel as if we have to maintain this atmosphere of joy (even if it's fake) in order to show people how awesome Jesus is. I've felt this way for sure. We have bleeding hearts within the very walls of our churches yet we have no idea. What happened to the part of Jesus that is awesome because He heals the wounded heart? When we don't embrace our suffering and walk through it we lose its value in our lives.

Romans 5:3-5 says, 

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

I have also seen the other side of the spectrum where people let their grief and sadness rule them. They even push it upon you. No matter how much time passes, and no matter how much people serve and love them they continue to be inconsolable. It gets exhausting. That's also not a healthy way to handle grief either because there truly is healing in Christ, and pain should never become our god consciously or subconsciously. However, it really is okay that we feel pain. Sometimes our seasons of pain are short, and sometimes they are long -- but we should never sit in our pain forever. We are not called to that.

1 Peter 5:10 says,

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

So by God's grace, suffering is naturally only a season.

Sometimes pain is an experience where our heart is finally most vulnerable. As we allow ourselves to feel pain God can seem them most clear and intentional with us, because we are finally in a place where our eyes and ears are open for any answer possible. When I think of biblical examples of this I LOVE to use David. The Psalms are the most colorful, raw, and pure portrayal of emotion. David goes through seasons of doubt, questioning, pain, joy, gratitude, love and so much more. Yet no matter how many times David starts a Psalm with "How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?" or "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" he always ends his hurts, his anger, his frustration, or pain with "But I trust in your unfailing love...", "Be exalted in your strength, LORD; we will sing and praise your might", and "but as for me I trust in you." (Psalm 13, 22, and 55)

Those are just a few of the ones I ran across and I didn't have to look very hard. David is pretty forward with God, unashamedly so. So why does David get to be straight with God and hash out his problems, and we choose to shun anyone who is sad, numb ourselves, and become walking wounded hearts as people? It seems to have become a vicious recycled process. Be hurt, numb, do hurt, numb, repeat.

The consequence of all of this is burying our pain deeper and deeper and deeper so when we do finally want to approach it and receive healing it's near impossible to reach. Or if we choose to never receive healing we will continue to walk with wounds that also cause pain to those around you, and those you love. So why do we do it? Fear. Facing pain is scary. It can take you dark places in your heart and in your mind, and it's easier to skip all that muddling in the dark and continue on with life. It can feel lonely, and pain is naturally never fun.

The pattern of David is "although I'm frustrated, confused, and hurt I know you're walking with me through this". We forget that so often! We are never alone in our pain, so we are never alone in the dark. It's scary, but we have the big guy on our side. You know... the Creator of the universe, Savior of the world, Father of the nations... no big deal. I can't even imagine a better partner to face the darkest places of my heart with.

This also I know is just not as simple as changing our mindsets either. If it were that easy I would have been healed years ago. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to do work inside of us, and that means allowing Him into our hearts, allowing Him to wash and clean the dirt inside; to give us strength, to give us trust, to give us faith and to give us love. Only then will our process begin.

It's no miracle insta-cure. It definitely is a process and I've just taken the first few steps for facing my pains, losses and griefs, but I am so encouraged, hopeful, and definitely faithful that in the end my heart's condition will be better for it.

Ravishing Love

The past few days Jesus has really been showering me in his love. There are barely words for it. Writing it all down in my journal he has been allowing my imagination to soar and I felt so inclined to share. I hope this does for you even a fragment of what it has done for me:

Jesus,

I had long forgotten the importance of my imagination. Last night imagining you, seeing your face, almost being able to feel the texture of your skin beneath my finger tips as I ran my hands along the contours of your face. The feel of your beard tickling my skin and your hair soft in the palm of my hand. Seeing the gentle intensity of your eyes warming me to the core.  

Imagining nuzzling myself into your neck and smelling the sweet rain like aroma of your skin. But not only feeling the desire to run into your arms and never let go, but the feeling of your returned affection. That your strong arms embrace me back. The desire to never let go. 

Feeling our hearts together like fire. Chest to chest. 

I NEVER want to let go.
I want to remain in your affection.
I NEVER want to let go. 

I want to remain entangled around your body, and feel your love coursing through my veins. I want to snuggle into your chest and listen to the rhythms of your heartbeat.
I literally want nothing more. 

I want you.
I want your love.
I want more and more and more.
So much I can't take it. So much that my heart may burst because it is so full. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to be with you. 

I know I am sinful 

and that I scarred you

I know that sometimes I choose myself and force up walls within my heart.
Walls where I can see you... but I can't hear you, or touch you....
I'm so sorry 

My heart longs for you so often, but it feels so trapped in this body of flesh, in the glass box I put it in to keep it safe.
Please shatter these walls. Please let your voice whisper in my ears and your eyes pierce me with love, longing, and desire like no one else is allowed, or will ever look at me the way you do. 

I give you myself as a whole. 

I no longer want to be ensnared to the bondage of wounds, pain, and the darkness of being sinned against.
I want new eyes, a new heart, and clean and pure spirit. I want a healthy body, mind and soul. 

Break the chains that make me a slave to sin.
Put my past grievances to death. 

Find me and bind me to you so that I may never know that absence of your love. May I shower you with kisses. May you be a fragrant oil in my life. Apparent for all to see. A love that never ceases. That brings me to life and is my fulfillment. Be my satisfaction.
Make me whole. See me through a vital lens. Make me your pure bride. Whisk me away and take me home. May I know no greater love than yours. 

My heart beats for you alone. 

Rid of my fears. May they be cast out by your perfect love. May I know discernment so I can trust and commit. May intimacy be made perfect, innocent, gentle and kind in you.  

May you first be my father, protecting and tender. May you first be my husband, leading and loving. May you first be my friend, comforting and trusting. May you be my brother, lover, romancer, shield, provider, and Lord. 

And may I serve you well.