Fear and Anxiety

Something in my life that has presented itself in a really ugly fashion over the past few months is a deep sense of fear I thought I never had. 

Growing up I was fearless. I had no sense of boundaries. I jumped off of things, out of things, on things; I ran around things, climbed things, and tried everything. I never had a fear for the dark, or spiders, monsters or ghosts. In fact I always thought all of that stuff was cool.

Becoming an adult and apparently a functional part of society has changed so much in me. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to choose a major because I'm scared I will get into a job I hate for the rest of my life and they will shackle me in and I will die of mundane routine misery. I am scared of getting sick because I can't afford hospital bills. I am scared to try things that are hard because I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of signing up for missions trips or school trips because money might not come in. I'm scared of commitment because what if I hate it? (HELP I CAN'T GET OUT!) I'm scared of relationships because what if I fail or I'm not enough and I have to start all over again? I'm scared to dream because I can't figure out which voice in my brain is mine and which one is God's and what if I dream something that God doesn't want me to do? Then I'll just be disappointed.

People live through all these 'what ifs' all the time, and they don't die. They survive and live to see another day. Yet they still bind me in fear and anxiety.

Want to know what the result of all of this is? Quarantined misery. I'm not living life.. at all. It's as if someone opened my jail cell but I won't get out. I still think I'm a slave. I'm alive, but living as if I'm dead.

My point being that fear and anxiety are ruling my life, and are a symptom of something much deeper. Mistrust and unbelief in the power and care of my God. My pursuit of my own happiness and contentment has me more anxious and miserable than ever. How the frick did I get here?

The fruit of my life is fear, and the root is a belief that God has left me here to figure things out on my own. That is far from the truth my friends. 

I have this amazing friend Paul and he wrote a lot of the New Testament. He stands pretty firm in being content with what Christ has for you. Although in and out of prison and facing persecution, rejection, threat, and a mighty large mission -- he preaches contentment. 

Philippians 4:11-13 says

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him gives me strength."

We use this verse like it is some magic spell to get us through our hard workout, a rough test or to win a game. When in context Paul is actually saying that even if we can't run an entire mile, fail our test, lose our game, get fired from our job, get diagnosed with cancer, lose a friend, watch our parents get divorced, or can't pay the bills, CHRIST is our strength to do all things, face all things, and get through all things. Without Christ we will bury ourselves in pain and misery. Numb it with substance or distraction, and live cold hard broken lives. 

Learning to be content is pretty rough. I am not going to lie.. it is well beyond frustrating because I manage to want so much from life and I want to get it on my own. Yet living in Christ's satisfaction is far more peace giving and joyful than my own human hands can manage to rummage up. 

Matthew 6:30-33 says

"If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

I have no reason to live in fear because my God is bigger than my circumstance, and will take care of me as I run. So I need to run! Living in fear is only disabling me. God knows my needs and takes care of me. Now the tricky part is having faith in that.

Here are some verses that are helping me get through all my mess and deal with my anxiety:

Mark 9:24, Joshua 1:9, Psalm 56:3, 34:19, 73:26, 1 Peter 5:7, Romans 5:3-5, Isaiah 46:4, Philippians 1:6, Hebrews 7:25, 13:5, 1 Timothy 6:6-8 and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Basically everything they say are "HEY ALYSSA! TRUST JESUS" -- I'm learning.