Obedience is Hard

Looking back on being a toddler I remember throwing a huge fit when my mom asked me to clean my room. I remember it being so difficult to put all of my toys away and I often times ignored it. I would sit among my mess feeling hopeless as to ever get it cleaned up. It seems like such large room and such a large mess for a 5 year old.

Today I feel as if I do that with God. The things He tells me to do are hard, and often times not something I want to listen to. So I ignore them. I often times wonder if I am mixing up my own voice with God's (even though I do truly know it is Him), and I continue on about my way. I sit among my disobedience unsure I can deal with such a large mess for a 22 year old. Wondering why things are just becoming more difficult. Kind of like being a child, the more things piled up in my room... the harder it was to clean.

Being obedient isn't easy. Sometimes God asks us to give up some of the things in life that are the hardest to give up and do. Some of these things being hardest for us to do whether it be because of our fear of failing, of what people will think, or how much we will have to sacrifice. It's often times scary and furthest from what we want.

I've recently experienced this myself. Asking for strength and courage to be obedient to God, but when it came down to it I was the farthest from wanting to do what he asked of me. I didn't want to give up something that I most loved and cherished; that I wanted, and felt I needed.

It hurts, and it still hurts to lose what I think I need, want and love.

I'm still hurt and broken. I'm still unsure about well... everything, but my hope is this: that God is faithful. That God is good. That God is not finished. And most definitely that I can trust Him.

I have no idea what my future holds. I know that today I am in a season of pain, but there is joy in the morning -- this I know full well. My God is loving and my comforter. He is my refuge to feel safely. He is my strength when I am weak. He is my portion where my flesh may fail. He is my identity. He gives me my value. He humbles me when I need it, and tells me when I am wrong. He prunes the branches of my life that don't bear fruit (that's not comfortable). He gives me life though I am undeserving. In Him I have freedom though sometimes I feel slave to myself. And in Him I am content because I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

I cannot tell you that I feel this way all the time. In fact a lot of the time I feel exhausted. I feel lost and confused. I feel anxious. I feel hurt and worthless. I feel defeated.

But these are not a result of truth. These are result of lies, sin, and brokenness. These are things I'm going to be fighting my whole life, but definitely not on my own. Christ within me has power and has a mighty work to do within this broken heart daily. I wouldn't change that for the world. The fact that Christ so tenderly and gently cares for my depraved soul is more than I could ever ask for from such a blameless and pure being.

Obedience is hard, but it's necessary. Our trials breed perseverance which brings character. In the end my Good Father is looking out for what is best for us (Him and I). I don't see the big picture yet, but I know something better is in store and I can't wait.

So I can most definitely say the path of my future is not so brightly illuminated, but if it was would I really trust God for my next step? He's teaching me daily, and humbling me daily. I need it. I want it. I'm grateful for it. How can I not be? I am empty without it.