The Beauty in Ugly Seasons

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

I was thinking today about where I am, and where I have been. More often than not do I forget where I have been because I constantly live for tomorrow. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you, but the way my brain works is in handling my agenda today because I want my future to look a certain way.

At times this has helped me and most of the time this has hurt me, because I forget to cherish the days and the hours I am in. "I'm going to be more loving" I'll say, but instead of taking time to just love the people around me I look for books, and articles on being more loving. It doesn't make sense.

However, recently I've been in a really rough season. This season not being one I could think or will my way out of. It's not one that I could just drop the pain of, or read enough books and articles to pass through. If anything those things made it worse. The only thing that has helped me is looking at where I have been, where I am now, and the beauty that has come out of my every season in life.

About two years ago I started bible school. I started with ambition, drive, and a serious hunger for the word. But as time passed those all quickly faded and it turned into a desert season. What I mean is, no matter how hard I sought God, truth, and his word I felt like I came up with sand instead of water. I felt as if God wasn't talking to me. He felt distant. I felt def. I hated this season. I thought it was the most terrible place I could be -- to have no guidance, no reassurance, nothing. I was desperate to hear God's voice, and to feel God's presence. I had no idea what He was doing or why He was withholding Himself.

To me then, this was an ugly season. Now I see the beauty in it. God was asking me for my faith. My perseverance. Would I still worship and praise Him without reward? Today God's voice and presence are tangible to me. Yet it is precious and dear because I know how it feels to be without. It taught me the value of faithfulness through the storm. That was the beauty of my ugly season.

Last year I had just started as a freshman at GCU (Go 'Lopes!) and God was about to rock my world. The season I entered was full of ups and downs. I had the entire foundation of my faith ripped out from beneath my feet. I was finding things in the bible I had never seen before, and not finding things in the bible that I had been told and believed for a majority of my life. It was a season of confusion, doubt, and angst. Fortunately I was able to see the beauty of this season before it ended, but I sure did not like a majority of it. I was desperate for truth. I knew what God was doing but I was insanely uncomfortable.

Today I see even more beauty in this season than before. I came out of  it with confidence and much more knowledge and wisdom than I had ever held before. I realized the importance of truth, and now I hold on to it and seek it daily.

Today is Christmas break of my sophomore year in college, and I'm just breaking out of one of the hardest seasons of my entire life. It is a season I have still yet to find the beauty within. The past year has held its series of struggles, starting with losing the home I grew up in. As someone who is highly sentimental this was hard for me. Probably harder than it should have been. After this came the surprise of my parents divorce and struggling with feelings of betrayal, abandonment, loss of family, and a lot of pain. I believed things to look-up as my handsome and charming best friend and I began to date, only soon to realize that we weren't working as well as we thought we would -- the result being deep heartache from the loss of not only my boyfriend but my best friend. The last and final event being the announcement of the loss of our church as it once was. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it came with a mixture of feelings. Excitement yet sadness, peace yet loss.

I have been completely stripped. I lost all things I saw as the pieces of my life. It resulted in some really ugly surfacing of feelings, and sinfulness I didn't know I had. I haven't always been faithful through it either -- in fact most of the time turning to TV, last minute road trips, sleep, alcohol and even drugs to temporarily ease or numb my pain. I was hopeless. I lost peace. I lost confidence. I felt like I was worthless, lacking of value, and unlovable.

I could tangibly feel the war that was going on within me. I could feel myself giving in to Satan and his lies, but God literally trying to pull me out of the waters I was drowning myself in. I can honestly say I've never been in this much pain before in my life. I lost all desire to live. I began to isolate myself. I told myself no body around me cared (although there was no evidence of that, I was surrounded by loving community). My pride saying I was undeserving of love, so I no longer accepted it. I felt like I was a sole source of everyone's pain, so I shouldn't subject people I love to that and I halted all communication to friends and family. The list goes on.

This I feel is an ugly season.

Fortunately I serve an endlessly gracious God. One that picks me up out of bed in the middle of the night to heal my wounded heart. To remind me of whom I belong to. To dethrone all of the things I made ruler of my heart, and seat Himself there instead. To amaze me, and relieve me within my brokenness. To reveal to me my blessings. To show me my value and worth, and to tell me the work in my heart that is yet to be done. To whisper a clear, "Daughter, don't you know that my love for you is everlasting and infinite?"

I felt as if these things lifted an anvil off of my chest and I could breathe again. My heart felt raw, yet whole and full. It's like scrubbing mud or dirt off of your skin -- it stings, but you finally feel clean. I felt free from the prison and chains that kept me from healing, and my Great Physician could finally begin.

So my season has not yet finished, but I have such a different outlook.

What I have come to realize while I look back is the growth and building God was doing in my life while in these rough seasons. Among the seasons I hated the most, God was doing His biggest and best works inside of me. So instead of numbing my despair I find myself excited for the beauty of what is to come, and truly walking through my pain with Christ. I am grateful for the things that have been taken from me, and the things I have lost. (Not in a way as to pretend I'm okay, but being content in what Christ has given me by his grace and faith alone.) Though it is painful, I know it is worth it. Time will only tell what the fruit of this season will look like, but I can only assume that it will be good.

The credit cannot be taken on my own. The walls I've faced, the dark seasons I've been through, and the storms I've endured I've survived and grown from are greatly due to the community that surrounds me and the people God has so carefully placed in my life. Every single one of my relationships have been an amazing gift. I don't believe that without good mentors, counsel, accountability and the joy of living in transparent community I would be were I am. I have been incredibly blessed with people speaking into my life since I was young, and I continue to be blessed by it. New family, and old family.

We cannot do life on our own, and that is why I believe that God stresses community so much in the bible. As humans we belong to each other and need each other. Not in a way as to replace God, but in a way to magnify His greatness.

I am grateful for my seasons. Good or bad, winter or summer, and no matter what God makes all things beautiful in its time. :)