Naturally I'm drawn to broken things, and I want to make them better.
However being a fixer has sometimes turned me upon myself. I see that I am broken. I need fixing.
While this is at large true -- I've overcompensated this vision into almost a self-hate way too often. In my eyes I am SO broken that I don't see all the places I am whole. I see so much of my weakness that I forget where I am strong.
I am too sinful. I am too broken. I am too weak. I have too much darkness within me. I need to be A, B, and C, before I can ever do ______ (insert anything in life here).
I don't think I'm the only one who does this either.
My tendency is to zone in on the wickedness of the human heart according to Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" I conclude that I am beyond repair, but continue to try to fix the darkest parts of me anyways. I completely dismiss that Christ already died for this very part of me.
At this perspective, the way I've heard it explained has been -- "I am betraying the vision"
I am betraying the vision that God has for me by only seeing the bad. I am beating myself up even though Christ already took the beating. I am so busy looking at myself I forget to look at Him. I am betraying the plan and vision God has for my life because I am so consumed by my faulty steps that I stop walking. I am betraying the vision by only wanting the future "better me", because only then will I be acceptable.
What I wonder is... who am I trying to be acceptable for? Christ already accepted me.
Christ is trying to wash my feet and I am pulling them out of the water because I don't feel worthy. Sometimes I wish I could yell at myself - "WOULD YOU JUST STOP AND SEE WHAT CHRIST IS TRYING TO DO? HE ALREADY LOVES YOU. HE IS TRYING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING AND TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE."
Although Jeremiah says our hearts are wicked -- Galatians also says,"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Christ lives within me! I personally do not believe Christ will cozy up and make a home somewhere wicked without transforming it. I believe that once we truly accept Christ, our hearts of stone are replaced with ones of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). I believe that through our walk with Christ our hearts are transformed to desire good things, holy things, to behold light and goodness. Will this home need cleaning still? Probably. Life is naturally going to make a mess, and sometimes we let mess pile up. But if Christ is living there I don't think I can comfortably live with permanent wickedness decorated in His home. I'm sure He's not okay with it either.
I am learning that I am made in God's image (Genesis 1:27), I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), and that I was designed with weakness AND strength -- so why should I not be confident in how God has created me and called me? Why is it suddenly prideful when I am comfortable with what God has made me to do and where He has made me strong? Paul was! He constantly writes about how God revealed things to him to give to other people. He starts almost every letter with "I was sent by Jesus", and writes in the letters about the wisdom he has because God gave it to him. We don't consider him egotistical and prideful. Don't get me wrong there is a point where flaunting your strengths is prideful, but like everything else in life there is balance.
Humility is literally defined as, "a modest view of one's own importance."
So humility doesn't mean I am not worth anything. It means I know what I look like next to the Lord. It means I know my place. It means I'm not shouting everything I deserve or strutting around with an ego, but instead I am accepting that I am loved by a savior and given good gifts.
In the eyes of the Lord I am important. Important enough to die for. Important enough to be abundantly loved. Now I didn't accomplish this on my own, no, I don't deserve this, but I am still valuable in the Lord's eyes.
I'm convinced Satan is taking God's truth and twisting it so we see the good things within ourselves and we can't believe them to be true.
So you struggle with lust? Cool me too. I also struggle with pride, selfishness, anger, and many other things. By the grace of Jesus He's healing me and we are working through it. However I'm also learning I'm good at things. My strengths are wisdom, encouragement, joy, patience, kindness, and faithfulness. I'm really good at being adaptable. I'm really good at seeing a problem and finding a solution for it. I am smart because I love knowing things and I seek knowledge. I am honest because I don't like pretending. I am creative and I am really good at articulating points, ideas, and how I feel.
I should be excited about that. These are all God given gifts that are useful tools for spreading the gospel and loving other people. I should be able to share that. I should be comfortable and confident in that, because that is how God designed me. These are places he has healed me and grown me. It's a testimony of His goodness.
Yes, as people we are really good at making good things bad, and my strengths can quickly become weaknesses if I let them. The good news is I need Jesus... Daily, hourly, by the minute, by the second -- and I know it. I know that without Jesus these things can quickly go bad, but focusing on that will only get me somewhere I don't want to go.
My friend pointed out something kind of wonderful today. She said, "God's second greatest commandment was to love our neighbor as we love ourselves." -- love ourselves.
I think all of us know this, but we don't understand it. To some it might say -- "well since you think you're so awesome why don't you treat your friend that way" and maybe that is one way to look at it. I also believe one very important thing that God is trying to say is that you need to treat yourself well, and out of this treat your neighbor with the same wellness.
So basically a requirement for loving each other is loving ourselves. We cannot love our neighbor if we don't love ourselves. (Side note, this is not an excuse to please your every fleshly desire out of "treating yourself well", that's a sin.) Treating ourselves well means taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually so we can be healthy enough to love others.
While I find great health in knowing our weaknesses, our struggles, and where we fall short -- I also find great health in knowing our strengths, things we are good at, and how God has redeemed our natural tendencies for His good. We need to know both otherwise we will drown in one or the other.
So God is teaching me it's okay to love myself, though often times I don't believe it. He is being gentle and patient with me as he takes off Satan's blinders that I'm so comfortable wearing. I fight with Him sometimes, but He waits, and He shows me again. It's a process, but one day I have hope that I'll be comfortable in truth.
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