What a Single Girl Has to Say About Marriage

I live in 2013. The culture for marriage is looked at one of two ways: the old ball-and-chain, or the ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction of life. Both of which are wrong.

Being a product of divorce(s) my outlook on marriage has not always been bright. Naturally I leaned towards the first outlook for most of my life. Being the only example of marriage at the time,  I grew up believing that as soon as you married someone things got hard, and you fought all the time, you no longer loved each other but put up with each other, and overall it became miserable but you were stuck with them until you managed the courage to file for divorce.

That is the sad lesson I learned from both sets of my parents.

Now being slightly older, and blessed beyond compare to have had people walk into my life, mentor me, and speak truth, my perspectives have changed. I can see marriage from a larger scope, and I can see why things never worked out for any of my parents.

First of all I want to say that marriage can be fun! If you are not expecting your significant other to be your ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction.. pressure is off. You get to enjoy each other. When God is instead your fulfillment and satisfaction you cannot be let down, but seeking that in an imperfect, sinful, and broken human being you WILL be let down. I have seen and watched so many couples from 2 years into marriage to 50 years into marriage poke, and play; flirt and laugh because their expectations of each other were not unreal high and unobtainable. They have Christ.

My banner is and always will be: Marry your best friend.

Second you can love each other your whole life... if you know what love means.  Love is not simply just the mushy gushy butterflies. It's not the constant thrill and excitement of seeing each other. Those feelings will come and go as the may, and sometimes they may go a lot more than the stay. True love is defined in the bible in 1 Corinthians 13:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

So if you truly love someone you're not seeking "how do I benefit from this?", but rather seeking the ultimate good of the other. The secret though is that both people have to be in on this otherwise things get messy because someone is solely taking, or solely giving. If that is the case someone is going to get tired. I've even watched people act in a manner where both of them only wanted to take. That quickly turns cold, empty, and bitter. Loving in the confines of marriage means laying it all on the table; it means admitting when you are wrong, apologizing when you screw up, being quick to forgive, sacrificing your time and desires, being gracious, understanding, giving, transparent, and kind for the other person even when it is uncomfortable.

Marriage is written all over the bible in a million different places and how it should function. I don't feel the need to reiterate it all, but for reference sake here are a few places to find it -- 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, Hebrews 13, Mark 10, and all of Songs of Soloman.

Overall what I have learned is that marriage really isn't about us. It's about God and is a large vision of his relationship with us. It's a gift from God that relays his love, and desire to know us intimately. It is a gift that stresses the importance and need of community and being transparent and known. It is a gift that is full of sacrifice and struggle yet joy and beauty. It is a gift that is meant to edify and grow us closer to Christ. It is a gift from Him that glorifies Him if we steward it well.

A good Godly marriage is also dangerous. When two people seek Christ first, invest into the mission laid out for us in the bible, and come together with hands willing and able to do the work -- that can be world changing.

Can you imagine whole homes that raise children with love and power? Can you imagine instead of quickly giving up, fighting to keep our marriages strong and healthy? Do you know how much victory that would claim?

It is no wonder why Satan doesn't want healthy marriages happening -- because what God can do through one He can do so much more through two.

But lets get this clear, we can throw the idolatry of marriage itself completely out the window. If you think marriage is the answer to you life problems and empty heart you are going to be terribly let down. Wrapping your identity, worth, and satisfaction up in a person other than Christ will guarantee disappointment, brokenness, and emptiness.

Last I want to stress the importance of preparing for marriage. As a single it is important to seize your singleness and maximize the use of your time here. Being single is a blessing. It is time to find your identity in Christ, align your heart with His, and serve Him generously with your time. Being single is a time where you have an abundance of time to learn and grow wildly. Most of all though, if you desire to be married, being single is an opportune time to become a good spouse before you are a spouse. You are able to work through the muck and mess of your heart without dragging another person through it with you, you are able to instill values and attitudes into your heart before you need to use them, and you are able to know yourself so someone else can know you. Being a good wife/husband starts now.

A wise pastor of mine used to always say "You have to dress for the event you want to attend, so you don't have to waste time getting ready when you get the opportunity to go." Meaning take hold of your current season to make the most out of your next season. I love it.

My hope is that one day I am blessed with this gift even though I don't expect or need it. So, in the mean time I'm going to make sure that if I ever get this gift I'm going to be a good steward of it. That means surrendering ALL of me to Christ, that means making Him Lord and King of my heart so no one else can take His place, that means finding my identity, fulfillment, and satisfaction in Him; it also means reading my bible and letting the word transform me, it means attending marriage conferences even as a single, it means receiving mentor-ship and wisdom from married couples.

Even if I don't end up married I don't see this as a wasted investment. I believe if anything it will also make me a better friend, a better daughter, and a well rounded leader. It doesn't make me pathetic and love sick it makes me wise. So I am going to take everything I can get.

And that's what I have to say about marriage.