This weekend has probably been the most life changing weekend I've had in a while... if ever.
I got a wonderful opportunity to participate in an event called The Gospel Encounter. To break it down simply it's a 12 hour day jam-packed with the gospel. The gospel is broken down in 5 parts: Creation, The Fall/Repentance, Forgiveness, The Cross, and The Resurrection. Each of these sets are taught by amazing, wise, and bold leaders from our church, and we are given a chance to apply and respond to the gospel.
While I have heard the gospel many times, and I could recite it to you -- I devote my life to the gospel -- I have never had it given to me quite like this. I can tell you I have never cried that many tears in such a short time. I felt like I was undergoing open-heart surgery. God was really not afraid to stick His hands in my heart and get elbow deep -- getting rid of the ugly (ouch) and filling it with Him. It was a shattering of myself. I was able to take my very very broken heart to Jesus and He carefully began the rebuilding process.
Something specific that punched me in the face was our forgiveness portion of the day.
The past few months I have been in a season of self-examination. I have been searching myself for my unseen sin, and seeking God to fill the emptiness within me that I've managed accumulate. I went through loads of repentance over multiple sins -- yet I still seemed to be hitting a wall with God. There was something holding me back and I couldn't put my finger on it.
Then my Pastor's beautiful wife took the podium; between that woman's words and the Holy Spirit I was wrecked. By the grace of God alone my eyes were opened to the unreal amount of unforgiveness that I had been harboring in my heart.
This is the reality of forgiveness:
Forgiveness is NECESSARY for us. Without God's forgiveness we are dead. Without forgiveness for each other we don't have God's forgiveness.
"Forgive our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors... For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" - Matthew 6:12
Essentially Jesus is saying, "I'm going to forgive you the same way you forgive the people around you."
*Slap* (That's the bible hitting me in the face)
Straight up friends, if Jesus is forgiving my sins the way I've been forgiving people -- My sins are only kind of forgiven and they linger around in the background to be brought up when I do something wrong or hurtful. YIKES.
We are so quick to take forgiveness but so unwilling to give it ourselves. Just take a look at Matthew 18:21-35. That's in the bible for a reason.
The crazy part is I had no idea I struggled with this.
The way Dana put it was this "When we bear unforgiveness we are putting up walls, and we end up boxed in wondering why our relationship with the Lord has come to a halt."
My relationship with the Lord did come to a halt, and at first I was angry that forgiveness was what I had to give in order to break these walls. Not only was it relatively simple, but it was something I did not want to do. For a very long time I saw forgiveness as a means of "letting them off the hook". If I forgave, then they would never learn from the damage they caused me or they would see how they sinned against me as okay. That is far from the truth friends. Forgiveness is sucking the poison out of yourself, and trusting God that He will handle the situation. Unforgiveness hurts no one but yourself.
We cannot forgive on our own. As people we want to see justice, and revenge by on our own terms. We will take our wounds, and try to wound others with them. Forgiveness is a gift and power of the Holy Spirit, and we can not rely on ourselves to do this. Without the Holy Spirit forgiveness is difficult and pretty much impossible.
If I break it down it goes like this:
Only God can forgive sins (Genesis 50:17-22), as the Son of God, Jesus had the authority to forgive sins (Mark 2:1-12), and in John 20:21-23 Jesus gives us the power to forgive sins. As believers we have the power to forgive sins or to withhold forgiveness -- however Jesus did not give us that power so that we may withhold it, but give it generously.
"Forgive and forget" -- can I tell you how much a hate that tag line? The truth is friends within forgiveness we may not forget, and we may know it for a long time. The pain that was caused to us may hurt well after we forgive, but although I hate that tag line... forgiveness does lead to forgetting. When we finally let go of our unforgiveness we can finally allow it to be a part of our past instead of continuing to put it in our present. The best way I can describe this is as if someone handed you a burning hot coal. You have two choices: you can either hang on to it and allow it to continue to burn you, or you can let it go and tend to the burn you already received.
Forgiveness is a choice, and it is often difficult. It is agreeing to live with the consequences of someone else's sin. Jesus calls us to forgive, so we are called to do this. At first I didn't agree that this was okay, but when you look at Jesus who bore the consequences of my sin -- and did so willingly -- I cannot allow myself to think I am better than Jesus and deny someone else of this. We are given grace first, so God calls us to be gracious. We cannot expect to be the sole receiver of the miraculous and beautiful gifts of God. We cannot say that we are better than anyone else because we cannot earn our worth, our value, our credibility, or our worthiness. If we could we would all utterly fail. It is only God that has given us these things.
We can forgive by accepting that what was done to us was in fact painful. We need to accept the hurt, and the hate that comes with being sinned against, but not as to dwell or wallow in it (we cannot make our suffering bigger than the cross). Accept that what was done to you was wrong. Forgiveness includes bearing the burden of another's offense and choosing not to use it against them. And forgiveness does not always come with immediate relief, joy, or a "feeling"-- and we cannot wait for those things to forgive otherwise we may be stuck for a while. It is of a greater call that we make the choice to forgive, and trust that God meant what He said: "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -- Romans 8:28. By forgiving we can move forward in God's beautiful plan for our lives, and not remain in the tangles and stagnancy of unforgiveness that prevents our steps.
I promise you friends that forgiveness is freeing. It's finally breaking out of the cage thats door has been open this whole time. It draws us closer the heart of God, and breathes new life into our lungs. I feel as if I can love freely, and experience love much more deeply now that I have let loose my unforgiveness. It breaks loose an ugly and hard shell upon our hearts, and releases the deep aching and groaning from our bones.
I pray that we all become good forgivers, and passionate lovers.
