What Does it Cost?

Lately I have been waking up in the morning from these bizarre dreams. The reason they are so weird is because they have been continuous. The past few nights as I go to sleep it's as if I pick up in the dream right where I left off when I woke up the previous morning. Their essential summary is this: Stand up for Christ and all that he stands for, and you are going to be persecuted.

As a born people pleaser these dreams don't appeal to me. They are more like nightmares. I have spent a large portion of my life as a slave to people's thoughts of me. I have always wanted to be on everyone's good side. Of course that has failed me from time to time, but I've gotten grossly good at it.

I think back to childhood and realize that I've been doing this since I was very young, like 5-6 years old, young. I followed the rules, and made sure I did well in school not because these things were good for me, but because I wanted to please my teachers, my parents, and any other authority. I would succumb to peer pressure as a high schooler, and become the spitting image of any boyfriend I had as to be everything he wanted. It has made me flexible, and adaptive to any environment I'm placed in. While this is beneficial in many social jobs and social settings -- it is absolutely contradictory to much of the gospel.

Church has been one of those environments where I adapted quickly. I learned what to say and what to do to fit in, and growing up it didn't come with much of a heart change... because it didn't need to.

It wasn't until recently that I got a very eye opening glimpse into the condition of my heart. I was so numb to my inner grime because on the outside everything looked perfect. It took the loss of something I loved to awaken me. It's like someone took a light to the darkest corners of my heart, and exposed all of the mess that I had been working so hard to hide in those corners, and it became very apparent that I need a heart overhaul.

In the past few months God has been insanely gracious to me. Cleaning out these dark corners, and this mess in my heart has been excruciating. At many times I've wanted to give up because I wasn't sure it was worth it, but I've kept on going.

My prize is Jesus. This long and grueling process of sanctification is worth it, because in the end I get Jesus. And what is the cost? Everything.

The cost might be that not everyone on this planet is fond of me. The cost might be my own desires, as to build new ones on Christ. The cost might be comfort. The cost might be painful.

At times I have been fooled into believing that Jesus alone was not enough, and I could have it all. I have believed that my heart's satisfaction could come from acceptance of my peers and elders. I have believed that my heart could be satisfied with positions, possessions, fun nights, and fun substances. And, yes, while they temporarily satisfied, they also left me with a deeper appetite and hunger for something more. While I kept chasing, the highs became shorter and less satisfying.

So what if Jesus is enough?
What if He costs me everything?

" But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." --Philippians 3:7-11