Fear and Anxiety

Something in my life that has presented itself in a really ugly fashion over the past few months is a deep sense of fear I thought I never had. 

Growing up I was fearless. I had no sense of boundaries. I jumped off of things, out of things, on things; I ran around things, climbed things, and tried everything. I never had a fear for the dark, or spiders, monsters or ghosts. In fact I always thought all of that stuff was cool.

Becoming an adult and apparently a functional part of society has changed so much in me. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to choose a major because I'm scared I will get into a job I hate for the rest of my life and they will shackle me in and I will die of mundane routine misery. I am scared of getting sick because I can't afford hospital bills. I am scared to try things that are hard because I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of signing up for missions trips or school trips because money might not come in. I'm scared of commitment because what if I hate it? (HELP I CAN'T GET OUT!) I'm scared of relationships because what if I fail or I'm not enough and I have to start all over again? I'm scared to dream because I can't figure out which voice in my brain is mine and which one is God's and what if I dream something that God doesn't want me to do? Then I'll just be disappointed.

People live through all these 'what ifs' all the time, and they don't die. They survive and live to see another day. Yet they still bind me in fear and anxiety.

Want to know what the result of all of this is? Quarantined misery. I'm not living life.. at all. It's as if someone opened my jail cell but I won't get out. I still think I'm a slave. I'm alive, but living as if I'm dead.

My point being that fear and anxiety are ruling my life, and are a symptom of something much deeper. Mistrust and unbelief in the power and care of my God. My pursuit of my own happiness and contentment has me more anxious and miserable than ever. How the frick did I get here?

The fruit of my life is fear, and the root is a belief that God has left me here to figure things out on my own. That is far from the truth my friends. 

I have this amazing friend Paul and he wrote a lot of the New Testament. He stands pretty firm in being content with what Christ has for you. Although in and out of prison and facing persecution, rejection, threat, and a mighty large mission -- he preaches contentment. 

Philippians 4:11-13 says

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him gives me strength."

We use this verse like it is some magic spell to get us through our hard workout, a rough test or to win a game. When in context Paul is actually saying that even if we can't run an entire mile, fail our test, lose our game, get fired from our job, get diagnosed with cancer, lose a friend, watch our parents get divorced, or can't pay the bills, CHRIST is our strength to do all things, face all things, and get through all things. Without Christ we will bury ourselves in pain and misery. Numb it with substance or distraction, and live cold hard broken lives. 

Learning to be content is pretty rough. I am not going to lie.. it is well beyond frustrating because I manage to want so much from life and I want to get it on my own. Yet living in Christ's satisfaction is far more peace giving and joyful than my own human hands can manage to rummage up. 

Matthew 6:30-33 says

"If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

I have no reason to live in fear because my God is bigger than my circumstance, and will take care of me as I run. So I need to run! Living in fear is only disabling me. God knows my needs and takes care of me. Now the tricky part is having faith in that.

Here are some verses that are helping me get through all my mess and deal with my anxiety:

Mark 9:24, Joshua 1:9, Psalm 56:3, 34:19, 73:26, 1 Peter 5:7, Romans 5:3-5, Isaiah 46:4, Philippians 1:6, Hebrews 7:25, 13:5, 1 Timothy 6:6-8 and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Basically everything they say are "HEY ALYSSA! TRUST JESUS" -- I'm learning.

I. Am. Beautiful.

I woke up this morning
something was different
my sleepy eyes would say that I got a little extra rest
my hair was a mess
strays and fly-aways

Hopping out of bed
I felt a lightness in my step
Shuffling over to my bathroom to start my morning routine
but I stopped
I looked in the mirror
and I felt something strange but familiar
like an old friend I'd lost in life's busyness
Greeting me with gentle words

I.
Am.
Beautiful.

I put on my glasses just to be sure.

Yup.
There it was.
A content and confident image
staring back at me.
I felt value and worth
as if they had escaped me
lost at an infinite sea

I finally understood what David meant as he spoke
"I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well"

I felt free
Free from the bondage of expectation
and free from standards of beauty
I no longer felt like I had to try
I could just be

I thought to myself
"Man, I hope this is everyday."
When a voice gently reminded me
"This could have been yesterday"

---

Run in My freedom
Your identity and fullness is in Me.

I made your love of laughter,
your one and half dimples,
and your curious and adventurous spirit.

I give you joy when the going gets tough
and life seems bleak
I give you strength when you're feeling weak

You are mine daughter,
beloved and stunning
Heir to my kingdom,
righteous, chosen and pure.
I called you these things first
Now walk in them and know them
You don't have to work and strive anymore

I covered you in grace,
and clothed you with dignity.

you my dear,
 are radiant and lovely.

Obedience is Hard

Looking back on being a toddler I remember throwing a huge fit when my mom asked me to clean my room. I remember it being so difficult to put all of my toys away and I often times ignored it. I would sit among my mess feeling hopeless as to ever get it cleaned up. It seems like such large room and such a large mess for a 5 year old.

Today I feel as if I do that with God. The things He tells me to do are hard, and often times not something I want to listen to. So I ignore them. I often times wonder if I am mixing up my own voice with God's (even though I do truly know it is Him), and I continue on about my way. I sit among my disobedience unsure I can deal with such a large mess for a 22 year old. Wondering why things are just becoming more difficult. Kind of like being a child, the more things piled up in my room... the harder it was to clean.

Being obedient isn't easy. Sometimes God asks us to give up some of the things in life that are the hardest to give up and do. Some of these things being hardest for us to do whether it be because of our fear of failing, of what people will think, or how much we will have to sacrifice. It's often times scary and furthest from what we want.

I've recently experienced this myself. Asking for strength and courage to be obedient to God, but when it came down to it I was the farthest from wanting to do what he asked of me. I didn't want to give up something that I most loved and cherished; that I wanted, and felt I needed.

It hurts, and it still hurts to lose what I think I need, want and love.

I'm still hurt and broken. I'm still unsure about well... everything, but my hope is this: that God is faithful. That God is good. That God is not finished. And most definitely that I can trust Him.

I have no idea what my future holds. I know that today I am in a season of pain, but there is joy in the morning -- this I know full well. My God is loving and my comforter. He is my refuge to feel safely. He is my strength when I am weak. He is my portion where my flesh may fail. He is my identity. He gives me my value. He humbles me when I need it, and tells me when I am wrong. He prunes the branches of my life that don't bear fruit (that's not comfortable). He gives me life though I am undeserving. In Him I have freedom though sometimes I feel slave to myself. And in Him I am content because I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

I cannot tell you that I feel this way all the time. In fact a lot of the time I feel exhausted. I feel lost and confused. I feel anxious. I feel hurt and worthless. I feel defeated.

But these are not a result of truth. These are result of lies, sin, and brokenness. These are things I'm going to be fighting my whole life, but definitely not on my own. Christ within me has power and has a mighty work to do within this broken heart daily. I wouldn't change that for the world. The fact that Christ so tenderly and gently cares for my depraved soul is more than I could ever ask for from such a blameless and pure being.

Obedience is hard, but it's necessary. Our trials breed perseverance which brings character. In the end my Good Father is looking out for what is best for us (Him and I). I don't see the big picture yet, but I know something better is in store and I can't wait.

So I can most definitely say the path of my future is not so brightly illuminated, but if it was would I really trust God for my next step? He's teaching me daily, and humbling me daily. I need it. I want it. I'm grateful for it. How can I not be? I am empty without it.