Far from actually. I often avoid commitment, I avoid dating -- preferring to keep it 'casual', I keep walls up and I usually stay at an arms length with most people in order to avoid it. I run as far as I can at the first signs of any kind of pain.
However lately I seem to have gotten myself entangled in pain's snares. I don't know how it happened, but I voided all my rules and it got me right where I always predicted it would get me. In pain, and broken-hearted.
I don't necessarily view this as a bad thing anymore. My ability to commit, to be close and intimate to someone, and my ability to open my heart has solely come from a great work God has begun in me. To me it means growth, and unfortunately it got me somewhere I don't want to be -- I still count it a victory.
If I face the cold hard facts I can see that my tank is empty. I am an empty person. Whether I choose to admit it or not I struggle with loneliness, addiction, and depression. My subconscious likes to resolve this void by filling it up with as many things as possible: friends, things to do, tv, lots of food, attention, books, drinks, etc. and none of these things are bad! They just should not be the things that I am seeking fulfillment in.
What I'm learning the hard way is that no-one and no-thing on this earth is going to satisfy my emptiness. I could own all that I dreamed of and live in the lap of luxury; I could have it all: friends, family, a stable job that I enjoy; I could fall in love, and even if I was loved back -- the loneliness would eventually return, and I would still feel hollow. I've been proven this time and time again in my own life.
The things I try to fill myself up with always leave me broken, hurt, confused, messy, and feeling more void than I did before. It's disappointing -- because initially they feel great.
There is a great quote by Ray Ortlund and it goes like this:
"God created a rich world to be enjoyed by fulfilled people, but human sin has emptied out the fullness God intended. That is why people are hollow, even as they stuff themselves with false meanings and disgusting pleasures."Holla at yo girl.
He pinned me.
So what does it mean to be a fulfilled people anyways?
What I'm learning is that it means to be madly in love with someone who will never leave. Who will never tire of you. Someone who works things for your good. Who knows the desires of your heart and who gives you the desires of your heart. Someone who is perfect. Pure. Blameless. Someone who is in pursuit of you day and night, and relentlessly so. Who wants and desires your affections desperately. Someone who knew you well before you were even here, and knit you together Himself. Most of all, someone who loves you more than you are capable of loving Him -- no matter where you are now, no matter where you have been, what you are doing, have done, will do -- Someone who already madly loves you. Today. Right now.
Seems too good to be true... I know. But I know the guy and He's pretty amazing.
Jesus Christ knows exactly what we need, and He never fails us. Is that not good news?
Why is it then that I reach for everything else first? Why is Jesus my plan B?
The reality is that Jesus is scary. The call to love Him is big, and in an untrustworthy world -- where I have never seen ANYTHING that I can say without doubt is perfectly trustworthy -- you want me to trust this supposedly perfect being with... everything?
As I dip my toes into the waters of who Jesus is I am learning more and more everyday that He truly is who He says He is. Amid my pain He is still good. In my brokenness He is near. Despite my rebellion He is gracious, patient, and loving. And it's making me want to give him... everything.
It's not easy to make Jesus your first love and priority. Your true love. The love that all the rest of your life and your love revolves around. It's a battle, because everything else and everyone else in this world is going to be fighting for your affection and your attention.
But let me tell you friends, He is so worth the fight.
I am in a season where I am (finally) learning what it means to truly love the Lord with all that is in me, and allow it to consume me. I've said "I love Jesus" probably a million and a half times in my lifetime, but I'm not really sure I ever meant it. I don't think I've ever known the love of the Lord (let alone love in general) like I am beginning to know it now -- and I've just started.
There is a love that is going to make your heart skip a beat. A love that makes you melt, and your stomach drop at the sound of your beloved's voice. It is all you can think about and it keeps you up late at night thinking about it. And no matter how long you have together, it is never enough.
I've felt this for a man before and it is wonderful and nerve wracking. But better than that is knowing it for Jesus-- because it's a multitude better, and you don't have to worry about whether He loves you the same way. You don't have to worry if He is thinking about you too, or if He wants you the way you want Him. BECAUSE HE DOES! He loves you and wants you more than you want Him. Always.
I have always sought this in other people, and I have always been let down.
So this time I'm going to seek it in Jesus. I'm going to fight to make Jesus my first love, and that might be hard. It is so tempting to let a man (or woman depending on who is reading this) fill this place and to take Jesus' rightful place in your heart. But I promise you friends, if you are seeking only what the Lord can give in another sinful and broken human, you are going to be terribly let down. I was.
My challenge is this: Let the Lord love you first before you put anyone else in the picture. Spend some time being romanced and deeply loved and known by the Father, the Creator, and the lover of your soul. Belong to a God that loves you, and let Him belong to you. Learn what it means to love, and learn what it means to be loved, perfectly so. We will never be able to truly be loved, or even love ourselves without it. We will expect too much, and love too little. When Jesus is your fulfillment, man's disappointments are so small -- when you have all that you need everything else can be enjoyed, and Jesus is truly all that you need friends.
Where there is a fulfilled person, there is a person who is able to enjoy the richness and beauty in this world.
Make God your first love. Seek it.
He most definitely will be mine.
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