This week we briefly covered pain and grieving over the things we have lost. It really got my mind going, and I quickly realized I never thought about the sum of my losses until I started writing them down from childhood to teens and even now. As I wrote them down I also realized my lack of grieving for my losses because of my fear for vulnerability and weakness.
Growing up in the church I went through a phase of learning to shut down my pain and losses because it was not wanted or needed when I showed up on Sunday morning. I had to save it for another time. I don't know why I felt this way. I don't know if it was the church, my home, or christian culture at the time, but this was the mindset I was in. It soon just became a thing where I felt as if there was no time for it. No time for honesty. No time for vulnerability. I was done making people feel uncomfortable so I no longer wanted to mention it. That phase of numbing turned into sturdy wall and I've done it ever since.
I've seen many other people do the same thing and shut down their pain and losses, put them away in the old dusty attic, and put on a fake smile in order to keep the peace. When we become a part of the church I've noticed many of us suddenly feel as if we have to maintain this atmosphere of joy (even if it's fake) in order to show people how awesome Jesus is. I've felt this way for sure. We have bleeding hearts within the very walls of our churches yet we have no idea. What happened to the part of Jesus that is awesome because He heals the wounded heart? When we don't embrace our suffering and walk through it we lose its value in our lives.
Romans 5:3-5 says,
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."I have also seen the other side of the spectrum where people let their grief and sadness rule them. They even push it upon you. No matter how much time passes, and no matter how much people serve and love them they continue to be inconsolable. It gets exhausting. That's also not a healthy way to handle grief either because there truly is healing in Christ, and pain should never become our god consciously or subconsciously. However, it really is okay that we feel pain. Sometimes our seasons of pain are short, and sometimes they are long -- but we should never sit in our pain forever. We are not called to that.
1 Peter 5:10 says,
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."So by God's grace, suffering is naturally only a season.
Sometimes pain is an experience where our heart is finally most vulnerable. As we allow ourselves to feel pain God can seem them most clear and intentional with us, because we are finally in a place where our eyes and ears are open for any answer possible. When I think of biblical examples of this I LOVE to use David. The Psalms are the most colorful, raw, and pure portrayal of emotion. David goes through seasons of doubt, questioning, pain, joy, gratitude, love and so much more. Yet no matter how many times David starts a Psalm with "How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?" or "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" he always ends his hurts, his anger, his frustration, or pain with "But I trust in your unfailing love...", "Be exalted in your strength, LORD; we will sing and praise your might", and "but as for me I trust in you." (Psalm 13, 22, and 55)
Those are just a few of the ones I ran across and I didn't have to look very hard. David is pretty forward with God, unashamedly so. So why does David get to be straight with God and hash out his problems, and we choose to shun anyone who is sad, numb ourselves, and become walking wounded hearts as people? It seems to have become a vicious recycled process. Be hurt, numb, do hurt, numb, repeat.
The consequence of all of this is burying our pain deeper and deeper and deeper so when we do finally want to approach it and receive healing it's near impossible to reach. Or if we choose to never receive healing we will continue to walk with wounds that also cause pain to those around you, and those you love. So why do we do it? Fear. Facing pain is scary. It can take you dark places in your heart and in your mind, and it's easier to skip all that muddling in the dark and continue on with life. It can feel lonely, and pain is naturally never fun.
This also I know is just not as simple as changing our mindsets either. If it were that easy I would have been healed years ago. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to do work inside of us, and that means allowing Him into our hearts, allowing Him to wash and clean the dirt inside; to give us strength, to give us trust, to give us faith and to give us love. Only then will our process begin.
It's no miracle insta-cure. It definitely is a process and I've just taken the first few steps for facing my pains, losses and griefs, but I am so encouraged, hopeful, and definitely faithful that in the end my heart's condition will be better for it.
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